United States • 22 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Usually I'm into your structure and rhyme scheme, but this... I'm just not getting the Matt Decker vibe unlike in such writings of Jungle In The Gym or I Am ELIAN.
This seems pretty cut and dry whereas the ones I believe are your best are the elaborate, word/phrase-shifting, abstract concepts.
Wow, the housing market must have taken a hefty hit being the property cost only $24.45 (unless this takes place back about four centuries ago, which means that the price of wheat was sky-high for it's time).
This seems too loose and has many holes. There wasn't a tie-in for the change of pace as to how the mother got the job or why the father was gone. There's a beginning, middle and end, but how does it fit? How did all of it become what it did?
Ah, I like the valiant knight coming in. Sounds like a real badass to me.
If you have characterized the "poisonous" voices as wild beastly creatures, or pillagers- something of foul nature in time with knights and chivalry, I'd think that fit in very well, especially since the breaking point saying "SHUT UP" seemed to be like a damsel-in-distress moment. But considering that it's a poem of thoughts in a general sense, it still works fine.
I know I've been talking a lot about 8th-16th century time-style and I'm sorry for that. I just got up in that thought process after seeing the valiant knight.
I know I'm not your 'lover', but I gotta say something.
"I don't do drugs, but I'm addicted to you." reminds me of the song "Addicted" by Le Mans. Total 80s Hard Rock. Except their song is more... sexualized.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhaLh1CGFPw
"Expect the worst, hope for the best."
"Prepare for war, but hold your gun at ease."
"Just because you don't see the enemy that doesn't mean they don't see you."
That's what this poetry reminds me of. It also reminds me of 'The Warning'. An album from 1984 by Queensryche.
Oh dang!...
That's a hell of an ending.
Reminds me of the movie Mother! with Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem. But the movie is very much symbolism whereas your story is direct with a little extra 'filler' moments to add spice and wholeness to it.
Not too shabby of a writing.
Ah, the ocean.
For someone who has thalassophobia, such as myself, this would be a nightmare situation. And this correlates well with someone who may fall off the beaten trail mentally. Get a little too curious, anxious or overwhelmed, then all of a sudden it goes down hill.
Sadly, but naturally, it's the innocence of time.