United Kingdom • 65 y/o • MaleReviews Given
As presented this story is 'okay'. However, with some work and a lot more detail in places it could be a very good story. Some of the 'action sequences' are too brief and skirted-over rather than explained, for example.
You have a good imagination, which is the one thing that comes across clearly in your story. More practice will improve your writing skills, as will reading works by similar authors. Good stuff! :-)
This feels incomplete. There is something here, for sure, but in its present form whatever 'it' is isn't there yet. You have aimed for an air of mystery but have ended-up with something that is neither mysterious or satisfying. If anything, it's frustrating :-)
Not your best effort; however the language, imagery and wording is very good. I wonder if this might perhaps have worked better as a poem..?
Not too bad, although I would have liked a bit more to-and-fro dialogue between to the two characters. The very long 'speech' in the third paragraph sounds a little evangelical; 'preachy', even. If it had been broken-up with a couple of interjections from the other person it would have smoothed the edges a little without diluting your message (which is well put!)
A good effort. Well done! :-)
Unfortunately TWO issues put me off reading the full story: the use of digits in the piece which is discouraged (as per the site's Submission Guidelines, which you appear to have not read...)
Secondly, the unnecessary repeated use of the professors' qualifications in brackets was also extremely annoying. This is a piece that has tried to be a little too clever for its own good - and has fallen rather flat I'm afraid.
With some judicious editing and reworking this could be a much better story than it is at present. You have some talent that much is clear. Do, though, be a little more careful with your work as you do yourself no favours with silly errors :-)
An unusual allegorical tale that has (to my mind) one major issue: very early in the story you describe Sarah as a 'little girl'. However she uses words and phrases more suited to a more adult/mature person. The two just do not jibe... Unfortunately this conflict spoilt the story for me as I could not get past the fact that it was supposed to be a little girl's speech I was reading.
Overall, though, it's a good story and well told. I would suggest that you revisit this piece and amend it to remove the age confusion issue. It would be to the story's benefit :-)
Your writing style makes reading parts of your story awkward and uncomfortable. The mixture of straightforward English and the more 'flowery' descriptions clash unpleasantly in places, which does not make for an entertaining read.
I was also somewhat puzzled by the rather confusing opening to your story, with the choppy incomplete thoughts and ideas. Okay, you got to your point eventually, but in such a roundabout way that it left me puzzled as to why you chose that way of doing it? Why not just tell the story 'straight'?
This is a good story (I would perhaps have submitted it in two parts, though) with some good parts and some rather out-of-place language and descriptions. I look forward to reading more from you :-)
To some extent I agree with Pietroshek's review. The presentation of your work is very annoying to read, what with all the silly and unnecessary dots... In addition your poor punctuation is jarring and the shortness of the various chapters you have thus far submitted make the whole exercise somewhat of a trial.
I suggest that you look again at your submissions - and look again at the site's submission guidelines - and decide whether they are presented as the BEST you can do. Re-editing and resubmitting as one or two longer pieces would possibly be a better option. There are other areas you can also improve upon with a little care and attention to detail.
Leaving aside the fact that - again - this is NOT a story, what you have offered us need editing to make it more palatable to read. It is a solid block of text, which is not nice to try to plow through. In addition you have ignored the submission guidelines with regard to using numerals in your work. It is not good practice to do so and should be avoided.
As I have said before, you write well. I just wish you would turn your skills to something more interesting and entertaining. You are wasting your time with this sort of stuff, really.