Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Your poetry is somewhat esoteric in style and content. That's fine, to an extent, but if you want your talent to be appreciated your work needs to be accessible to a wider audience. I cannot comment on whether your work is good, bad or indifferent. All I CAN do is comment on MY reaction to and feelings about what I have read.

Whatever message you were trying to get across in this poem completely passed me by. It feels hectoring and 'preachy' and incomplete; rather like you had a partially-formed idea but ran out of steam half-way through.

Another tiresome 'teen death' story that has been told a thousand times before on this site alone. Okay, this one is slightly above the average, but it doesn't detract from that fact that it is another entry in an over-subscribed genre.

What is so frustrating is that you are better than this. Your talents could - and should - be turned towards writing more interesting and entertaining stories than this sort of thing. Allow your mind to expand and believe in yourself and you will be a very good writer. This nonsense brings you no credit and does not do your talents justice.

To some extent I agree with Pietroshek's review. The presentation of your work is very annoying to read, what with all the silly and unnecessary dots... In addition your poor punctuation is jarring and the shortness of the various chapters you have thus far submitted make the whole exercise somewhat of a trial.

I suggest that you look again at your submissions - and look again at the site's submission guidelines - and decide whether they are presented as the BEST you can do. Re-editing and resubmitting as one or two longer pieces would possibly be a better option. There are other areas you can also improve upon with a little care and attention to detail.

I find poems like this a little annoying. Whilst I appreciate that you are expressing yourself I am not so sure it is suitable for 'mass consumption'. I am not ignorant of the effects of depression having been a sufferer for most of my life. However, I never felt the need to harm myself nor to share my pain in such a graphic and public manner.

Is this a good poem? I don't know. Being honest, I don't really care either, which is a pity as you are a good writer and have produced better work than this.

Short, sharp... but ultimately disappointing.

This has potential to be something good, but the few words you have submitted do not really DO anything or take the reader on whatever journey you perceived.

I kind=of see your intention, but (for me) it has not really worked.

The constant repetitive lines and the awkward and clumsy rhymes really spoil this effort. Also, the way you have presented it - in paragraphs instead of more traditional stanzas - jars the eye.

As you said, at least you tried...

I hope you will - individually - submit further works. It will be interesting to read more from you :-)

The thing that struck me most about this piece was the number of times you mention 'Deviancy RT' (seven). There are other ways of saying the same thing without actually saying EXACTLY the same thing.

Overall, though, the story was far too condensed and maybe a little too rushed to really work as well as you probably hoped. It needs much fleshing-out and reconsidering if you plan to add to it at a later stage.