Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Good atmosphere, enough suspense and tension to keep the reader hooked into the story. All-in-all a creditable beginning to your story :-)

The 'cuteness' factor of your story is what saves this from being just another mundane story about getting old. It is well told with a touch of humour and maybe a little pathos, too?

One or two punctuation and spelling errors mar your piece, especially the use of 'ipad'. Please ensure you check your work thoroughly before submission. Other than that minor criticism a very creditable effort :-)

Even though you failed spectacularly at my challenge, the end result was worth it :-) This story pays its dues to the detective novels of the nineteen-thirties and forties in its style and language. A clever and inventive use of fairy-tale characters in a noir-type setting, which is slightly reminiscent of the movie 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'

Excellent work, Brian. I look forward to the next instalment...

As we discussed, the original opening to your story had merit, but also had some problems. It is nice to see that the edits I suggested have been incorporated into the story. I hope you will take what you have learned into the rest of the story as you write it... :-)

I like this. The simplicity of your words gives them greater weight. Rather than burdening your reader with a plethora of emotive phrases you have expressed yourself beautifully. There are a few who could learn a thing or two from your approach to writing...

Well done!

I'm sure that this is an interesting read... but I gave up on it after two paragraphs.

The problem is that your paragraphs are FAR too long. Shorter, 'snappy' paragraphs are preferable to long, rambling writing as they are easier to read and to absorb. I would suggest that editing your story would be beneficial.

I would also suggest that you re-read the submission guidelines. They clearly state that the use of numerals in prose is NOT good practice.

You are undoubtedly a good story-teller and you put a lot of effort into what you produce. The bad habits you have grown into let you down a little, though. Solve those small issues and you'll be a great writer! :-)

I almost gave up on this one at the start due to the (wholly unnecessary) repetition of the words 'The List' in bold letters. Once or twice would have made the point far more effectively than the Five times you used it...

However, I rad on and found myself amused. As a committed dog-lover I was easily able to imagine the scenario you draw, having also been confounded by tin cans that would not easily open!

A good, comic piece that would benefit from one or two minor tweaks to make it wonderful. Good work!

Although the subject matter isn't something that I (a) have any experience of and (b) have no interest in I felt compelled to read your story to the end. I quite liked you 'conversational' writing style, which I found quite engaging.

I would caution, though, against using slang terms (see the Submission Guidelines) as they left me baffled. Also, the use of numerals in prose is bad practice (again, refer to the Submission Guidelines) and should be avoided. Overall, I enjoyed your writing and look forward to reading more from you.