The Beginning of My End

A quick trip across town that should have only taken him a half an hour tops had now reached the two hour mark. I began to pace back and forth through our living room and across the kitchen. I was angry it was taking him so long to come back and getting angrier by the minute.

I'd given that shady piece of shit I called my boyfriend fifty dollars I knew I couldn't afford to pick me up some meth. He told me he didn't have to go far to get it and would be back in no more than twenty minutes. Well, twenty minutes had come and gone a long time ago.

I had gotten my first taste of meth earlier that afternoon at work from a co-worker that knew I liked to party every now and then. She had noticed I was looking a bit worn out and tired and asked me if I wanted a little something to perk me up and get me through the rest of the shift. I was thinking she would probably bust out an adderlall or a line of cocaine or something and since I was really tired of course I said yes. She surprised me though by asking if I'd ever tried meth before. I'd heard about it of course, stories about the growing meth epidemic in this country were featured on the news just about every day but I'd never been offered any before.

We made sure no one was paying attention to us before walking together into the employee bathroom. I made sure no one else was in there with us and quickly locked the door. Assured the coast was clear my friend took a small plastic baggie out of the front pocket of her jeans and shook some of the tiny clear crystals inside onto the edge of the bathroom sink. She hurriedly crushed the crystals down to a fine white powder, separated it out into two small lines, and handed me a rolled up dollar bill to snort one of lines with.

I wasn't expecting such an intense burning sensation. It felt like the inside of my nose all the way up to my eye sockets was on fire. My eyes began to water from the pain. It was unbearable for about a minute or two before it slowly faded away and I began to feel an enormous rush of adrenalin start coursing through my body. All my senses woke up and became fully connected to everything around me. I was so energized and full of life and the world around me seemed so sharply focused that I felt invincible. Tired was a foreign concept now.

It seemed crazy to me that just five minutes ago all I had wanted to do was go home and lay down. That three more hours of work had felt endless and damn near impossible to get through. Tired became a figment of my imagination, something that didn't really exist.

We left the bathroom a few minutes apart and snuck back to work, rejoining our co-workers to finish out the shift. The remaining hours flew by like minutes and before I knew it my long day was over and it was time to go home. It floored me such a small line of that white powder had made me feel so unstoppable and full of energy.

When I got home from work and asked my boyfriend to find some for me he lied to me straight to my face and said he didn't know anybody that had any or could get any. I knew he was full of shit because he can find any and every drug known to man. He is the most resourceful and best connected drug addict that also so happens to sell drugs occasionally that I've ever known.

My boyfriend is the plug you never want to call. He's the last resort when all your regular connections are out. His bags are always short, his product is always cut to shit, and he always always always over charges. But, when you've called every last person you know and none of them have what you're looking for he can always find something.

I knew the reason he was lying was because he wanted that money, my money, to buy himself a shot of heroin. He knew that fifty dollars was all the money we had which meant only one of us was going to get what we wanted tonight. He lied, knowing I knew he was lying just so he could get he wanted.

Refusing to back down I dug in my heels and kept hounding him until he finally agreed. He eventually admitted he knew a guy and would take care of it for me. After a few texts and a cryptic phone call he snatched the money out of my hand, said he'd be back in no longer than 30, and hurried out the door. He left fast enough that it caused a shadow of doubt in my mind as to his true intentions.

So why wasn't he back yet? It's coming on two hours now with no sign of my boyfriend and definitely no bag of dope. That small shadow of a doubt I had earlier is no longer a shadow. I am convinced at this point he only got for himself.

I started pacing even faster as my anger grew to dangerous heights. I didn't speculate one bit that the delay might have been due to a deal gone bad or worry that he might be handcuffed in the back of a squad car on his was to jail. I couldn't shake the feeling I was going to get screwed over once again so I started making a list of all the hateful things I was going to say and do to him upon his return.

Just a hair after two hours has passed I finally hear the familiar ticking of our van engine as he pulls into the driveway. It's a long minute before I hear his door open and slam shut. I march up to the front screen door and peer out at him through the darkness. He climbs the concrete porch steps slowly, leaning heavily on the railing. It is glaringly obvious he is completely slumped on boi. He is so high he can't even raise his head to look me in the eyes.

God damn it! That piece of shit took my $50 bucks and took care of himself instead of getting what I asked for and what I paid for. I wanted to kill him I was so mad. Of course by now I should have known better than to trust him with money but my appetite for getting high was always stronger than my common sense.

I watched silentely as he cleared the last step and reached for the screen door. I stepped back as he swung it open and stumbled through the doorway, barely managing to stay on his feet. I fumed inside while he zig zagged his way through the living room making his way into our bedroom. Shortly thereafter I heard the mattress springs groan as he tipped over and slumped awkwardly across the bed.

I was tempted to follow him and rattle off all the venom I had stored up over the last two hours but decided against it. He wouldn't be able to hear me, talk to me, or even remember a damn thing I said while deep in nodsnodsville. That disconnect from reality was the sole reason I had not tried heroin as of yet. I had to be alert when at work and when the kids were home. We couldn't afford for me to fall out or lay in bed all day dopesick and missing work.

I lasted all of 45 minutes before I couldn't hold back any more. He was going to get it from me this time no bullshit. I marched straight back through the house to our bedroom and flicked on the overhead light. He didn't even move to cover his eyes. I grabbed his shoulder and began to shake him roughly. All I got for my efforts was a weak moan and a slight movement in his legs. So I shook him even harder and started yelling at him at the top of my lungs. That got his attention! He sat bolt upright, his right fist scrubbing the grit out from underneath his eyelids. He looked so confused I almost laughed.

Instead I began yelling again. I shouted at him for spending my money on himself instead of on what I asked for and what I paid for. I screamed that I couldn't take his shit anymore, that I was done being fucked over while he did whatever he wanted with the money i earned. His look of confusion was quickly replaced with one of pure fury. He yelled back for me to shut the fuck up and give him a minute. After several tense secends he lowered his voice a notch and said he had a little something for me. Great, spent the lion's share on himself and brought crumbs home for me.

I was still really pissed but managed to zip my lip and take a small step back. He withdrew a tiny plastic bag from his right front pocket and gently eased the knot loose with his teeth. Ever so carefully he shook out a small pile of off white powder onto a piece of mirror. He then smoothed it into a small line with the edge of his ID card and gestured for me to have at it.

I quickly rolled a dollar bill as tight as I could, tucked my hair back, and bent over the mirror. In one clean sweep I sucked all that powder straight up my nose. It didn't burn like the stuff from this afternoon had and there was an awful taste gathering in the back of my throat. I gagged but managed to not throw up. A couple minutes passed before I realized I wasn't feeling the stirrings of the rush I' d been craving. Instead I felt a warm pleasant sensation start to make its way through my whole body. All my muscles relaxed and I no longer felt tense or angry. The craziness in my head grew still and my thoughts slowed down. My heart felt happy and free. I felt amazing, better than I had in years.

I asked him what he gave me but he didn't answer, just turned his head to the side with a look of shame. I didn't need him to tell me anyway. I already knew what it was. And I knew I already feared its power.

Author Notes: NOT SURE YET IF THERE WILL BE A PART 2

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