Andy (Formerly Apemann)

An unusual and interesting story which was well told. I like your imagination and your unusual ideas. Well done!

This is good :-)

Just a simple thing to note: if you're going to leave dots at the end of a sentence the norm is to leave three...

Overall, a really good effort.

I really like this short but poignant piece. You express so much feeling in so few words, which is rather skilful. Well done you! :-)

I'm sure that this is an interesting read... but I gave up on it after two paragraphs.

The problem is that your paragraphs are FAR too long. Shorter, 'snappy' paragraphs are preferable to long, rambling writing as they are easier to read and to absorb. I would suggest that editing your story would be beneficial.

I would also suggest that you re-read the submission guidelines. They clearly state that the use of numerals in prose is NOT good practice.

You are undoubtedly a good story-teller and you put a lot of effort into what you produce. The bad habits you have grown into let you down a little, though. Solve those small issues and you'll be a great writer! :-)

A good story well told... although your 'brief' introduction took away some of the suspense. The idea of that section to give a general idea of your story in JUST A FEW WORDS, not explain what is coming in detail.

I would also suggest that with a piece this long that you submit it as two of three parts. It is unlikely that many people will make the effort - or even have the time - to spend reading such a long story in one sitting, whereas they will more likely read it in 'bite-size' chunks.

Overall, though, an interesting and entertaining effort.

Mysterious and creepy. The use of so few words and the snappy delivery give this poem great impact. Great work!

This is a very sweet and very mature poem. Only one minor issue: the word 'farther' should be 'further'. Other than that, superb! :-)

I like the idea and concept behind this work. Clearly this is something you put a great deal of thought into. Lovely!