Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Terrific!

Many will relate to your words, especially the more world-weary amongst us I suspect...

Great stuff. I look forward to more from you in due course.

You have the most wonderful imagination and the writing skills to translate it into fabulous stories that entertain both kids and adults alike (think AA Milne, CS Lewis, JK Rowling). That's a rare talent and one you should be very proud of. I suspect that you could go on to be a successful author given the right breaks and a little good fortune...

In the meantime, SS101 is lucky to have you. Glad to have you here with us :-)

Dark, pointed and utterly superb. I wonder if you had in mind the same person I once wrote a poem about..? If so, it would appear she has not changed one iota :-)

Great work, Rebs. You should write more poetry. You are good at it :-)

This is a much better and nicer story to read than some of your other work due to the minimal use of 'fancy' language. It has a nice flow and fairly good drama, too. I'm not so sure all the stuff with her mother serves any purpose in the story: it feels unnecessary and out-of-place somehow. You could have got to where you are in the story without it...

Hopefully you have ideas to develop this story? It would be interesting to see where you take it. There is certainly plenty of scope to take it in many different directions.

One small note of caution: please keep your story description to a minimum. You tend to tell too much before folks get to read the story.

Oh, and Kat is the LAST person to be giving advice about grammar, spelling etc. Just check her comment: TWO spelling mistakes ('discription' for 'description' and 'Micheals' for 'Michael's') and a grammar error ("But one reminded" instead of 'reminder')! How's THAT for embarrassing oneself??

You are doing no worse and considerably better than some others...

Spoken like the rebellious soul you truly are. Most play at it or aspire to it: You, m'dear, live the life and I applaud you for it. Love the poem as it is you to a tee :-)

I kind-of enjoy your thought processes, which entertain most of the time. At times though, for me, 'less is more' could be the order of the day in some of your work. This particular poem goes on a tad too long for its own good, which is a pity as it is otherwise really good. As I said, my opinion only :-)

Your mixture of classic-like phraseology and contemporary modes of speech makes this piece, at times, awkward to read. It feels almost 'jokey' in places, which I'm sure was not what you intended. You do write well, but the inconsistency in your writing 'voice' undermines what you produce.

This IS a good story.

A very creditable first effort in the micro-fiction genre.

Be wary of being 'too clever', though: why you could not have used the word 'shirt' instead of 'maillot' is beyond me... Remember, you want to engage your readers, not alienate them :-)

Overall, a good start. Well done!