Many will relate to your words, especially the more world-weary amongst us I suspect...
Great stuff. I look forward to more from you in due course.
There are some really good parts to this story: atmosphere-building and scene-setting for sure. Where is really falls flat for me is the actual 'horror' scenes. They are told in such a flat and bland tone that they fail to resonate emotionally or viscerally.
Horror is one of the most difficult genres to write successfully and/or effectively. Much really good horror writing is not really very graphic: it's mostly about suggestion, subtle hints and manipulating the readers' imagination. Steven King is the master at it, and he is rarely as graphic in his writing as you have been in your story.
It IS a good story, definitely. My review is just an opinion. Others will disagree and rave about it. :-)
The most important part of surviving bullying is to remember that you MATTER. You are IMPORTANT, you have VALUE and there are people who LOVE you. The person who must love you most is YOU.
NEVER let the bullies make you feel anything less than the wonderful, unique, special and individually terrific person you are. It is THEY who have the problems, not you. They hurt you because they are too shallow and ignorant to recognise their flaws. Your poem demonstrates that you have a greater level of maturity and self-awareness and understanding than your tormentors. Take that knowledge with you each and every time they try to upset you for you are a far, far better person than any of them are!
Even though you failed spectacularly at my challenge, the end result was worth it :-) This story pays its dues to the detective novels of the nineteen-thirties and forties in its style and language. A clever and inventive use of fairy-tale characters in a noir-type setting, which is slightly reminiscent of the movie 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'
Excellent work, Brian. I look forward to the next instalment...
This is an okay little effort - but we have had so many similar stories. It would have been much nicer if you had offered us something new and original as you have talent that can offer far more than what others have already done before...
An interesting story, but at times is far too detailed to maintain reader interest. The minutiae of your telling is a tad tiresome and slows the pace of the story almost to a dead-stop in places. However, as an insight into social history it is revealing. Thank you.
Some of your punctuation is wrongly placed, which makes reading your narrative somewhat 'jumpy' as it doesn't flow as smoothly as it ought to. However, it is an entertaining story and a peek into life as a teen back in your youth :-)
Another of your stories slightly spoiled because you do not take the time to CHECK it before submission. It is a really bad habit...
As for the story itself; there is an element of repetitiveness about it that is slightly off-putting when reading through it. I understand that you are trying to convey a sense of indecision and emotional turmoil in the piece, but (for me) it doesn't quite hang together successfully. Not that it's a bad piece of work, just not as good as it could have been in my opinion.