Andy (Formerly Apemann)

To some extent I agree with Pietroshek's review. The presentation of your work is very annoying to read, what with all the silly and unnecessary dots... In addition your poor punctuation is jarring and the shortness of the various chapters you have thus far submitted make the whole exercise somewhat of a trial.

I suggest that you look again at your submissions - and look again at the site's submission guidelines - and decide whether they are presented as the BEST you can do. Re-editing and resubmitting as one or two longer pieces would possibly be a better option. There are other areas you can also improve upon with a little care and attention to detail.

I find poems like this a little annoying. Whilst I appreciate that you are expressing yourself I am not so sure it is suitable for 'mass consumption'. I am not ignorant of the effects of depression having been a sufferer for most of my life. However, I never felt the need to harm myself nor to share my pain in such a graphic and public manner.

Is this a good poem? I don't know. Being honest, I don't really care either, which is a pity as you are a good writer and have produced better work than this.

Short, sharp... but ultimately disappointing.

This has potential to be something good, but the few words you have submitted do not really DO anything or take the reader on whatever journey you perceived.

I kind=of see your intention, but (for me) it has not really worked.

The constant repetitive lines and the awkward and clumsy rhymes really spoil this effort. Also, the way you have presented it - in paragraphs instead of more traditional stanzas - jars the eye.

As you said, at least you tried...

I hope you will - individually - submit further works. It will be interesting to read more from you :-)

The thing that struck me most about this piece was the number of times you mention 'Deviancy RT' (seven). There are other ways of saying the same thing without actually saying EXACTLY the same thing.

Overall, though, the story was far too condensed and maybe a little too rushed to really work as well as you probably hoped. It needs much fleshing-out and reconsidering if you plan to add to it at a later stage.

As someone who has been known to pen a haiku or two (!!) I looked forward to reading your poems. I got the feeling that haiku is not something that you are entirely comfortable writing as they all felt a little 'forced' and contrived: little natural flow to your words.

I would, though, like to read more of your work. I look forward to it :-)

Whilst I appreciate the somewhat surrealist and esoteric nature of your work, the use of incorrect words and bad spelling is inexcusable ('there' instead of 'their' for instance) .To 'erode' means to rub or wear away; how does that word fit in with your poem???

It's all very well being clever and arty - but you still have to do the basics right.