United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Hmm...
To be honest my first impression after reading this poem is that it is 'self-pitying': someone begging forgiveness for committing suicide. It left me feeling a little put-out by it as it just doesn't feel right.
It's not a bad poem, just the subject matter that doesn't work for me.
Dark, pointed and utterly superb. I wonder if you had in mind the same person I once wrote a poem about..? If so, it would appear she has not changed one iota :-)
Great work, Rebs. You should write more poetry. You are good at it :-)
This is a much better and nicer story to read than some of your other work due to the minimal use of 'fancy' language. It has a nice flow and fairly good drama, too. I'm not so sure all the stuff with her mother serves any purpose in the story: it feels unnecessary and out-of-place somehow. You could have got to where you are in the story without it...
Hopefully you have ideas to develop this story? It would be interesting to see where you take it. There is certainly plenty of scope to take it in many different directions.
One small note of caution: please keep your story description to a minimum. You tend to tell too much before folks get to read the story.
Oh, and Kat is the LAST person to be giving advice about grammar, spelling etc. Just check her comment: TWO spelling mistakes ('discription' for 'description' and 'Micheals' for 'Michael's') and a grammar error ("But one reminded" instead of 'reminder')! How's THAT for embarrassing oneself??
You are doing no worse and considerably better than some others...
I really nice idea for a story. As others have commented, take more care with your spelling and grammar: "I seen his smile forming..." for instance. USE your computer's spell-check and thesaurus facilities. that's what they are there for.
Nice work overall, though. Well done :-)
You have the most wonderful imagination and the writing skills to translate it into fabulous stories that entertain both kids and adults alike (think AA Milne, CS Lewis, JK Rowling). That's a rare talent and one you should be very proud of. I suspect that you could go on to be a successful author given the right breaks and a little good fortune...
In the meantime, SS101 is lucky to have you. Glad to have you here with us :-)
I read the first paragraph and came across FIVE errors! It put me off reading any more as I am 99.9% sure there will be more of the same.
This level of laziness is inexcusable as there are facilities on your computer to help you avoid silly basic mistakes. Why don't you use them?
For the record the five errors are:
brothers (should be 'brother's')
car, we left (should be: '...brother's car. We left...)
4 hour (should be 'four hour' or 'four-hour')
nerve racking (should be 'nerve-wracking')
This may seem harsh, but with good reason: you cannot expect people to take you or your work seriously if YOU don't. Posting such shoddy work gives a very negative impression and does not do you justice. Please take more care with future works.
???
Really? I can make no sense of these few lines at all. Am I missing something?
Very strange... :-)
Apart from the one exaggerated use of 'poetic licence' (On webs spiders spinned/And says a little prayer/Where the grass has thinned) this is a sweet, dreamy little poem that raises a fond smile. Be careful with poetic licence: you can only get away with it once or twice :-)