United States • 47 y/oReviews Given
I like the concept of this story, and the language is interesting and readable. What's missing is characterization. I don't see any protaganist, so it's kind of hard to get emotionally involved and take the concept seriously. I feel like it's a good start on an idea but it needs "fleshing out" (pun intended) to work as a story.
Thanks for sharing it!
Not sure what to make of this ... The theme shows some promise, but I had a hard time getting past the first section because of the author's habitual overuse of modifiers and stilted dialogue. For example: "Never could I have imagined so many children in one place and not hear one giggle or peal of laughter or not see one cheeky grin or shy smile!" For my part, I could never imagine someone actually talking like that. Then in the last part of the story, the attacker's language is a phonetic caricature of a dialect. It draws attention to itself rather than suggests a manner of speaking. I understand that this story is "to be continued," but I'm afraid this isn't an encouraging installment.
This is a nice piece. It seems like it could work well as an illustrated children's story. Well done.
I like some of the imagery and imaginative use of metaphors, like "I'm a forgotten picture frame." Overall, however, it's rather glum and self-pitying, and it seems a bit lazy with phrases like "I'm just so lonely."
This story is engaging and interesting so far. It's a little difficult to understand who is doing what to whom in the first half. But I am interested in reading the rest to see where this goes.
Not a bad effort, though the rhyming seems a bit contrived.
I think you mean "hearse," not "hurst."
(You still can edit the poem after it's uploaded.)
I think you have an interesting concept here, but it seems like you just started drafting and didn't try to create a whole narrative. Don't be afraid to continue building on it. Your instinct to withhold information is good, especially in flash story format. But you've withheld too much. We can only guess what is happening in the second part.
I liked this story a lot. You accomplished a lot within the space of 900 words. I would like to read more of your work and see what you can do in other formats.