United States • 54 y/oReviews Received
This was good... until the punctuation error on the third-last line marred it... ('im' for I'm)
It's okay, but I'm with Apemann on this one. Needs work on punctuation. Excessive commas and fullstops, too. Also, try using a line down (shift + enter) instead of paragraphing each line.
It would be an interesting story if it wasn't for the poor grammar and punctuation. I stopped reading it for this reason. You have a thing for writing, just read your story before submitting.
There are a lot of technical problems with your story, but the bottom line is that it is just not very good. There is no obvious plot or action or, indeed, any discernible point to it.