Canada • 29 y/oReviews Received
This is such a cute poem. Write more you have a great skill!
Has a very refreshing mood of style and you have the beauty of the waves. I feel it hitting my face.
I love it! The feeling is great and makes the whole concept come to life!
There is one thing you would want to work on, though. It seems like you keep on using the same rhyme a few times more than it is needed. Sometimes when you overuse the same syllable, it makes the reader feel like they are droning.
I love your work so far and cannot wait to read more!
-Kat
gave a good warmth feel when i read it
I think that the concept and feeling that the poem gives is amazing and most definitely wanted!
One thing that you might want to work on is the feeling, the rhythm of the lines. They have to flow together seemlessly, and right now there are a few minor bumps in them.
I love your writing so far and cannot wait to hear more from you!!
-Kat
Good job! I just have a small suggestion. Some lines in the poem are a bit long, so it breaks the flow for the person reading it.
For example, the line "Her feeling now is better than the biggest surprise" is a bit too long to fit there. Try working on this and it'll be much better. Keep writing :)
I applaud the fact that you made the effort to attempt something. So many don't even try, so well done for that.
Your poem is not without flaws, the principle one being the somewhat 'forced' couplets. As a general rule of thumb if you have to force the rhyme then the better course of action would be to not use it at all. Also, there appear to be elements of free verse as well as the more structured rhyming couplets, which just does not work. It is far better to stick to one format or the other to avoid confusion. What you have ended-up with is something that has not really worked very well.
Do not be discouraged! You are on a learning curve; to tell you that you are brilliant and wonderful at this juncture would be to do you a grave disservice. You have much to learn. The best ways to do so are to (a) Read more poetry (you can not read too much!) and to KEEP WRITING. Practice makes perfect: the more you write the better at it you'll become. Good luck :-)
Your poem title conflicts with the actual poem: how can you describe something "indescribable"?
Again, as mentioned before, some of your rhymes are forced: "And his cute little chin/Which is smaller than the head of the pin" is simply ridiculous and negates the whole poem. There are other lines, too, that are equally as dubious...
I admire the fact you try. If you take on board the advice you are given your writing will certainly improve. Keep practicing! :-)