Reviews Received
Apart from the one exaggerated use of 'poetic licence' (On webs spiders spinned/And says a little prayer/Where the grass has thinned) this is a sweet, dreamy little poem that raises a fond smile. Be careful with poetic licence: you can only get away with it once or twice :-)
A really nicely written piece... but to what end? I am at a loss to grasp what was the point of what I have just read other than as a sort-of travelogue to the place you describe (in nice detail, too)
To my thinking, this is not a story, per se; more of a memento of a particular event and as such does not really hit the mark I would have expected. In saying that, though, you write wonderfully descriptive prose. I would hope to see that talent turned towards more 'conventional' (if I may put it that way) fiction pieces?
All I can say is "wow". Reminds me of early work by Richard Matheson. Keep at it!
I loved the discriptipn! Please do write more! I want to see where this is going!
But one reminded:
Make sure that you know who's point of view you are speaking in. You switched from Rebecca's to Micheals really fast, and had no seperation of the two.
Besides that, it was great!
This is a much better and nicer story to read than some of your other work due to the minimal use of 'fancy' language. It has a nice flow and fairly good drama, too. I'm not so sure all the stuff with her mother serves any purpose in the story: it feels unnecessary and out-of-place somehow. You could have got to where you are in the story without it...
Hopefully you have ideas to develop this story? It would be interesting to see where you take it. There is certainly plenty of scope to take it in many different directions.
One small note of caution: please keep your story description to a minimum. You tend to tell too much before folks get to read the story.
Oh, and Kat is the LAST person to be giving advice about grammar, spelling etc. Just check her comment: TWO spelling mistakes ('discription' for 'description' and 'Micheals' for 'Michael's') and a grammar error ("But one reminded" instead of 'reminder')! How's THAT for embarrassing oneself??
You are doing no worse and considerably better than some others...
I kind-of enjoy your thought processes, which entertain most of the time. At times though, for me, 'less is more' could be the order of the day in some of your work. This particular poem goes on a tad too long for its own good, which is a pity as it is otherwise really good. As I said, my opinion only :-)
well versed ink, thanks for the read
It's a very meanngful poem which (poetically) makes us realise how bad times have become. Time flies...