United Kingdom • 60 y/oReviews Given
Overall your descriptions are good. Just one thing, 'clutched' the guitar would be better than 'engulfed.' If you engulf something you cover it completely. One hand would'nt cover the whole guitar. Otherwise well done.
She tried to break the silence. But it did not.
If she's spoken she's broken the silence. Try "she tried to get through to me, but she couldn't " or "she tried to elicit a response from me, but couldn't."
The rest of it is excellent, atmpspheric, plausible with a touch of mystery.
You write better than some men twice yoir age. You blend vivid descriptions and plausible relationships.
The sun metephore is good. Sometimes I Iwake up feeling strong emotions from a dream yet can't recall the details of it
The descriptions of the mountain are good. Perhaps you could've had some banter between the characters. It would establish them as individuals we could root for rathet than all of them thinking alike
Fresh flowers that smell etherial, brought in from the garden" reads better than "fresh flowers brought in from the garden that smell etherial." Otherwise your descriptions are excellent. A simple story but beautifully told.
The frustrations you're describing are quite common for writers and other people too. That doesn't make it all right but it means people can do their best and carry on despite the issues. The clay metaphore is good.
A lot of writers feel like this at times. I sometimes do. For a recent story I wstched a documentary about lifeboat crews, then used a similat scenario in my story 'Dark Midwinter Night.' The story took a respectable number of hits but not as many as some of mine and not as many as I hoped for. Pethaps I didn't convey all I wanted to. What do other people think?