Jozay

The problem I feel with your story is that it all feels a little rushed: as if you have tried to get all of your ideas on paper before you forget them. This leaves some of your scenes a little 'light' in content, leaving the reader having to fill in a lot of the gaps. A little more time taken to flesh-out parts of your story will improve it immeasurably.

On the whole, though, there is the basis here of a good series of stories. I would like to see you trust your story-telling talent more than you do at present to tell a really great story :-)

This was a good idea that you did not really explore to its full potential. As good as this story is as it stands, with a little more thought and consideration it could have been so much better. Fleshing-out your characters and the drama of what had happened to them to bring them to the situation you describe would give your little tale more impact.

I hope you will write more stories for us to read in future :-)