United States • 25 y/o • MaleReviews Received
This isn't a story though.
Another tiresome 'teen death' story that has been told a thousand times before on this site alone. Okay, this one is slightly above the average, but it doesn't detract from that fact that it is another entry in an over-subscribed genre.
What is so frustrating is that you are better than this. Your talents could - and should - be turned towards writing more interesting and entertaining stories than this sort of thing. Allow your mind to expand and believe in yourself and you will be a very good writer. This nonsense brings you no credit and does not do your talents justice.
I find poems like this a little annoying. Whilst I appreciate that you are expressing yourself I am not so sure it is suitable for 'mass consumption'. I am not ignorant of the effects of depression having been a sufferer for most of my life. However, I never felt the need to harm myself nor to share my pain in such a graphic and public manner.
Is this a good poem? I don't know. Being honest, I don't really care either, which is a pity as you are a good writer and have produced better work than this.
I understand the very personal nature of this poem. Unfortunately the way you have written it is so 'jumpy' and clunky it just does not flow properly. This makes it a difficult poem to read but - and far more importantly - the message you were trying to put across is completely lost.
In it's present layout it does not really work. This is not your finest hour :- ( I would suggest that you look at it again and re-work the poem into a more reader-friendly version.
This was a great mixture of love and sadness. It made me emotional. Love your stuff keep writing.
Yet ANOTHER tiresome and boring story on the subject of teen suicide. This topic has been (if you'll excuse the pun!) done to death already. Sure, it's a slightly different slant on the genre, but it's still a teen suicide story.
You can write, no doubt about that. PLEASE try something that hasn't already been done a thousand times before next time?
A story with a ring of truth about it, perhaps. I think your pen name on this site says a lot about how you view yourself as a person.
Good Luck,
Mike.
I really liked the description and the structure, but sometimes the story was hard to follow. I had to read the story three times and to use Google Translate in order to find out who is in the coffin: the daughter of the main character. I got mixed up in paragraph 6 that the main character's sister was in the coffin, too. However, the deep emotional experience of the main character was described so vivid that I recalled the death of my family. All in all, the story was okay. To improve it furthermore, I recommend the author to give a general description or a general narration of the situation which the main character is facing.
If someone else can follow the story like a flowing water, then it is because I am a beginner in English, sorry.