United States • 24 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
Honestly I really like this poem, even if it is a bit melodramatic. I like how it's all kind of just stated as a fact, not as the speaker necessarily feeling sorry for themselves. It's an interesting idea.
i understand this
I... I don't know what to say. I'm speechless.
To add to the mushroom conversation: I got the idea that she was just going on about something she knew, rather than meant to have any special significance. Of course, she could tell Raven about more things besides just the mushrooms, and that might make the point a little better anyway, for the story and the point Arin is trying to make. If that makes sense.
You convey well how, as she grows up a bit, she becomes more aware of a wider world beyond her own home.
With the mushrooms, are you trying to show that she's a nature lover with a deep knowledge of her environment? As to how necessary it is, that depends on whether a deep knowledge of nature is important in a later episode. It also depends on what you and your readers are interested it. We don't all like the same things.
I agree with what others have said about how the shift in tone is good; it makes it feel like the story is progressing, as we start to see what some of the real issues with the characters' lives are.
I'm intrigued to learn that Raven is the only one of his kind, and I'm curious to see what happens from here.
I will say, we spent a strange amount of time talking about mushrooms, and it feels very different from the rest of the story. At the end, it says "Before they knew it, they were inseparable friends", but we didn't see that process (which is fine, because the story is going to be relatively short, and you can't show everything) but we DID see mushrooms, which left me confused.
Maybe I missed something that gives the mushrooms meaning. Maybe I'm too hung up on them. Either way, I like the tone of this, and the pictures you chose have the cold, airy, but still stable vibe of the story.
To be clear, I actually like the mushroom conversation (except for the obnoxious technical names) but I do question its necessity in this story. Ya gots ta be intentional about what you show, and if we're hung up on plants while brushing by character development, it can leave the reader feeling cheated.
I like the role that knowledge plays as a sort of sentient thing in this story, rather than just a fact like you might expect.