notacheeseumbrella

This piece needs a serious edit! I counted the work 'park' FIVE times in the first two paragraphs! That is just plain bad writing I'm afraid. I gave up on your story at that point as it did not seem worthwhile continuing.

Please CHECK your work before submitting it. Get someone to read it and give you honest feedback, but most importantly CARE about it. If you don't, why should anybody else??