United Kingdom • 54 y/oReviews Received
Nice! Reminds me of an X Files episode, but different, nonetheless. I was worried it would be the same, but it wasn't, so I like your originality.
I almost gave up on this one at the start due to the (wholly unnecessary) repetition of the words 'The List' in bold letters. Once or twice would have made the point far more effectively than the Five times you used it...
However, I rad on and found myself amused. As a committed dog-lover I was easily able to imagine the scenario you draw, having also been confounded by tin cans that would not easily open!
A good, comic piece that would benefit from one or two minor tweaks to make it wonderful. Good work!
Ohh, excellent!
I loved this. The beginning in particular reminded me of The Catcher in the Rye. The way you developed the character throughout the story was magnificent, and also, I think this is a real thing which people can easily connect with!
Extremely good work... However, I would like to point out two areas for you to improve:
- Imagery.
- The character acted a little too sentimental considering his previous thoughts.
Wow!! It sounds great! I knew it was a father or stepfather at about the third paragraph, but that's just because I have read things like this. There are a few grammar errors, but besides that it's great!
Funny story. :)
Remember to write out numbers with letters instead. Especially if it's anything lower than a hundred.
There is something quite soulless about this piece. I read it through twice and found myself somewhat distanced from it; disengaged, even. I think the problem is the 'coldness' in which it is written (understandably given the subject matter) is perhaps too cold and remote. The style does not invite the reader to engage emotionally with the work.
Your writing is usually very entertaining. For me, this one did not work as well as some of your other stories.