United States • 23 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
The main fault with your story is in its presentation. I would have suggested something like this:
It was (on) a Wednesday that my older brother committed suicide or, as my parents would call it, (committed) the ultimate act of betrayal.
I suppose it was in a way; it was a very selfish act. He had only created more sadness in an already disastrous situation. He'd been bullied since sixth grade when he came out of the closet. I never thought of him differently. He was the same person to me. However not everyone else felt the same.
My parents had sent him to counselling, as if (he was suffering from) were some sort of disease. Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe he thought his own parents didn't accept him, but I did.
I accepted him, so why wasn't I enough?
This is my fault. I should've tried harder to keep him happy, but it's too late now.
I stare out of the window at the storm. He always liked it when it rained. He may be gone, but he's still my brother. I walk out of his room and shut the door, taking the memories with me.
Interesting vignette. Read up on how dialogue punctuation works in fiction because it's incorrect here.
This is getting better :-) It's not perfect, but it IS a big improvement on previous submissions.
Take care with your punctuation: Burger King should be capitalised, for instance. Also, you are using too many commas where a full-stop (or even a colon) might be more appropriate.
These are minor issues, however. The story is coming along well - although I still believe you can afford to submit longer parts...
Yes, a classic case of being careful what you wish for...
A well told tale with a couple of bumpy grammatical errors along the way '(ingenuous' is used in the wrong context: ingenious might have been more accurate; 'inhabitance' in this context is wrong: habitation would have been more appropriate)
Another enjoyable offering overall. Well done :-)
Not a bad effort, though the rhyming seems a bit contrived.
I think you mean "hearse," not "hurst."
(You still can edit the poem after it's uploaded.)
I liked it, I kind of agree on the rant part, but I agree soooooo muuuccchhh about the self distructive motives of humans and how they act against themselves.
Thank you!
