An Open Letter to My Alcoholic Father

Dear Dad,

Did you know 1 in every 12 adult suffers from alcohol addiction and/or alcohol dependency? As I write you this letter, you’re currently laying on the couch slurring your words, making it hard to understand what you’re trying to say. However, I am able to make out some of the sounds coming out of your mouth, including, but not limited to; telling me how ungrateful I am, telling me my mother is a b****, how I owe everything to you, how I should kiss the ground you walk upon and bow at your feet…and many more things. All while I sit here as you dehumanize me and lower my already diminishing self-esteem, but I bet you can’t see the tears falling from my eyes, as yours are blurred by the distortion caused by the alcohol. I can’t remember the last time you’ve come home from a night at the bar and been genuinely happy or satisfied, or at the very least, not irritable, crabby, or quite honestly, a complete fucking a******. It makes me wonder, what drives you to the point where you absolutely need alcohol almost every single night of your life? What do you hate so much about your life, or the people you spend your life with that you are so anxious to get to that dark colored liquid, so it can take over your mind and soul? Complete loss of awareness of the things you’ve said that night and no reluctance to even comprehend the previous night’s combat. Combat between the people who love you, the people you love. But most importantly, the demons inside you awaiting their chance to be released into the world.

Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got the guts to say certain things when you’re sober, but the real beast comes out after you’ve indulged. After you’ve had a few, it would be an understatement to say you’re cruel. As I got older I realized you were no longer having fun with your best friend, Whiskey. But instead, he would intoxicate you to the point where you lost all feeling. Lost your sense of empathy, compassion, and overall any feeling of love or caring. This is when the outdoorsman really came out in you. After a day (or night) of indulgence, you choose a target, and then spew poisonous venom from your mouth. Your aim hits right in the center of your target, but instead of using a broad head where it strikes and then broadens inside its victim, It’s like shrapnel, hitting every single piece and part of the target of your choosing, without doubt also hitting anything and everything that gets in the way. Those torturous words coming out from inside you with no realization of the damage and pain you’ve administered out to the others around you. Simply because no one is as perfect as you. No one can live up to the standards you’ve created to barricade yourself. No one will ever be as good enough for your liking. And worst of all, no one will ever be what you want them to be. While disrespecting me, you demand that I respect you. Condoning your own absurd behavior, you refuse to listen to the truth of what I am speaking. Walking on eggshells every time you come home from a night out at the bar, or hiding in the bedroom when you decide to have your one-man drinking party at home. We all want to make you proud, and make you thankful and grateful for having us in your life but it seems impossible. This disease is taking over both your life and ours. It is a demon that follows you around, gnawing at your soul, creating a never-ending craving, an unfulfillable void inside you. Controlling you. Killing you.

Forgive me if you will, but everything stated above is of complete accuracy. This disease that has taken over your life is no less important than any other disease or addiction that is out there. On average, there are more than 88,000 deaths each year attributed to alcoholism. Nationwide, alcoholism is the third-leading lifestyle-related cause of death. With all said, you need help, and I can promise you I will be there 100% of the way. Through the hard times and the good times, because you are strong, just as you have taught me to be. I want my dad back. The one that I don’t get into a fight almost every single night with. I want my dad that is truly proud of me and the person I’ve become, and the person I am becoming to be. I want my dad back that only wants the best for his family and friends. I want my dad back to be the loving husband to his wife, that he has been before. I want my dad back to be the loving and caring father to me and my brothers, that I know he can be. I want my daddy back. The one I know I can rely on to pick me up when I’m down. I want the one that welcomed me to the family with open arms, even though I was not his own. I want the one that raised me. I want the one that worked his a** off to build the home I live in, and gave me the best possible life he could. But most of all, I want my best friend back. And I want my mom to have her best friend back. The one we had before his current (and toxic) best friend, Whiskey, who took over his life and reamed havoc on the body and soul that it conquered.

Openheartedly, your devastated daughter.

Author Notes: This is an actual letter that I wrote to my father during one of his drinking binges, he has read it several times since I gave it to him. He has barely touched a drink since. I know I am not the only person that has been though this sort of pain, and am welcoming anyone and everyone to indulge in this letter to my father.

Several years later, and he has continued to drink.

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