Depression

***Tw: mention of self-harm and suicide ***

It is the same routine. Every night.

Darkness and depression come and visit every night. Whispering to me, telling me to go get it. To just end it already. The other night, I got all comfortable about falling asleep, and then there it was. Depression, leaning on the doorway of my bedroom. They came over and lay down next to me on the bed, and pulled me close to them whispering “it's okay, I got you”. And I felt tears rush down my face. I know that I should jump up and tell it to leave, but when I go to do that, I can't move. I am paralyzed. With this heaviness pulsing throughout my body. I don't want to do this anymore. Depression’s chants filled my head until I finally gave in and believed it. I lay still hoping that it would leave so I could get rest. After our visit last night, I have been exhausted. My arms hurt at the touch of anything. All my towels are stained with patches of crimson red. All I can do is lay there until my alarm goes off to get ready for school. Guess it's another night of no sleep.

My alarm goes off at 6 am and I noticed depression lurking in the hallway outside of my room. I got up, grabbed clothes, and went into the bathroom, ignoring them. I turn on the shower to cold and hop in. It is the only temperature that doesn't hurt, any warmer, and I will fall asleep or my arms and legs will hurt. I try to get dressed, but find myself sitting on the edge of the tub crying because of everything that happened. I can't even wear long sleeves to school? How pathetic. How stupid. Everybody is going to think that I am begging for attention, and that is the last thing that I want. I don't understand why this has to happen to me. I just don't get it. I want to live. I want to graduate. I don't want to die but every time I am left alone, I hurt. Every time I open my eyes, day after day, I get more disappointed that I am living another day. I cry every single day trying to figure out how to have a good day, how to make my parents happy and proud of me, and how to not annoy people. Every single solution I have is to self-harm or to just end it all. But that's just the thing. The one thing that I need is for the pain to stop. Every time that I think it does, here comes depression marching in with their suitcase like they are getting ready for a long stay. Sometimes I tell it to fuck off, but other times, I just let it swallow me up and I hole up in my room. Avoiding reality. Nobody can fix me. I am a mess and I should just disappear. Looking at myself in the mirror, I just want to cry. How can anybody love this? Love me? I don't even love myself anymore. I am ugly and fat and everything that a person doesn't want in their life.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. Depression has become a long-term resident in my life. I can't seem to get rid of it, no matter how hard I try and fight. It always ends up with me soaking up the blood that is emerging from those thin white lines I have engraved onto my skin. I wish my parents and my friends could see how much I am actually hurting, and how much pain I am actually in. I wish that I could promise them that I will graduate and stay alive. And that I will be okay. I wish that depression would just fuck off and give me my life back. I wish, I wish, I wish...But that's not going to help me at all. Why should I wish to get better if it isn't going to happen? I can go in and out of treatment facilities, therapy appointments, and change my medication and I don't think that any of that can help me. Not anymore. I'm stuck in the dark and I can't get out for fear of me getting even more hurt. So if you show up at my house, walk into the door, and go to my room, there you will find me laying down in depressions arms, waiting for a new day to start in hope that it will go away.

11/19/2021

Author Notes: <3

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