Why don't adults understand that I just don't know? I don't know why I feel so bad when I think about school, I just know that the very thought of school is enough to make me cry. I don't know why I feel upset when my grade is lower than a B, I just know it drives me insane. I don't know why I stay up late instead of making sure I get enough sleep, I just know that I don't want to wake up. I don't know why I procrastinate until it's too late, I just know that I can't bring myself to do anything anymore. I don't know why I can't concentrate, I just know that thinking is becoming difficult. I don't know why I'm in therapy, I just know that everyone seems to think I need it. I just don't know.
Am I supposed to know? How should I know? I can speculate. I can think of a dozen different reasons I am how I am. I want to cry when I think of school because of the workload, because of the people, because of the pressure, because of a potential phobia, because I have anxiety, because I'm paranoid and overthink everything. But I don't know for sure. I could spout theories about myself until I'm just babbling unintelligibly, but I don't know. I don't know myself. Am I supposed to? Am I supposed to know how to pick apart all these threads and discover the meaning of each one? How am I supposed to know when you don't? I don't know myself anymore than I know anyone else.
I don't even know what my mental state is. For the past few weeks everything is just a blur, I know what happened but it's fuzzy like a dream. Nothing seems quite real, as if I could wake up at any second, or like I'm watching a movie. Perhaps I accidentally invaded someone else's life, because everything is strange. Of course, it's not always like this, but sometimes, I simply can't focus, as if I'm dreaming, or already doing something.
For all I know, I'm perfectly normal, but if everyone is like this, how do they manage to keep themselves together? How do they not break? Perhaps they hide it, but then, how do they act all the time, and never break character?
And how do people know whether or not they're normal? No one ever mentions feeling abnormal, and most people I meet at least seem comfortable in their environment, but I never know. Someone asks me if I think I'm normal, and I say no, because that seems like the right answer, but what if I am normal? How am I supposed to know? Is it some kind of instinct I don't have? Perhaps everyone can communicate what's normal in some way that I don't pick up on. Or maybe everyone was told except me.
But at any rate, I just don't know.
Author Notes: I mostly just needed to vent, but I'm also curious if anyone else feels like this, or if it's just me.
Also, does this even fit any of the genres?