In My Head.

Last night I had a dream.

It wasnt like the normal nightmares I have on a nightly basis. This time, I was being chased by the people I love and care about. But they were yelling at me. All the hurtful things I've been told was just being echoed around.

You're worthless

You're ugly

I kept telling myself to breath. To try to calm down. Trying to get myself to wake up. Opening my eyes to find myself drenched in sweat and tears, realizing I scratched parts of my face and arms raw. Scratching from fear and anxiety. Trying to escape what was going on in my head. It's almost 2am when I am typing this out. Because that's what I told myself to do, if I have a bad dream, write it down. Explain how you feel. But this time it's different. I feel alone, suffocated, and isolated. Even though I know I am not. I'm at a good part of my life where I don't feel suicidal or depressed. Hell. I got into the college I wanted. I got into a relationship. I am finally feeling good about myself, but I just can't get out of my head. It's scary. It doesn't matter if I go to therapy weekly, or if I take my antidepressants or meds to help me sleep. I constantly have an attitude for no reason, always snapping at someone because I can't sleep. I am in that mindset that I am just bothering everyone. So I constantly ask "are you okay?" I know that it is annoying and I am sorry. I just cannot get out of my head. What does it take for me to feel okay? To be put in some locked psych ward with nothing but grippy socks, itchy scrubs, and a bunch of behavioral techs, nurses and therapists telling me whats wrong? To be limited to 15 minute phone calls to talk to my parents or my sister? I just dont get it. Im at the point where I am just fed up with myself because I just can't seem to be happy with the way life is going. I constantly think I am better off just disappearing. What is it going to take for me to make these thoughts go away? I feel trapped in my head to the point where I can't enjoy life anymore and its sad. I am getting fed up with my depression and anxiety. I'm done. I don't want to tell people how I feel just to get an "I'm sorry, what do you need me to do for you?". NO. I DONT WANT THAT QUESTION. Not because I'm being rude or selfish or asking for attention. Its because I dont even know what I can do for myself at this point. I love my family, my friends, and everyone in my life. But I just don't know what to do to help myself get better. I want people to know that I am trying my absolute hardest to get better. Therapy weekly, working out, doing my homework, trying to sleep, etc. I just want someone to realize how much I am trying and say "I noticed how much you are working on yourself. Good job" or "I'm glad you are here".

I am not saying this for attention, I am just saying this to express how I am feeling. I was told to be more open about my feelings, not to bottle them up because it's self destructive. I am just stating how I feel because I am sick of being in my head and I want someone to know that.

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