So I used to be at this group home which I went to as a step down from my RTF which is a long-term placement. While I was there the staff mistreated and basically abused me and the other kids there. On my last day there me and my friend ran away. We got brought back by the cops and I was trying to talk to my crisis team because I was having a mental break down and this one staff Mr.Izahia came in and I calmly asked him to leave because I was trying to have a confidential conversation with my crisis team and I didn't trust the staff to talk with them. He pretended like he couldn't hear me.Then my friend came in and told him to get out since he wasn't trying to listen to me.
He was being extremly disrespectful to her so I cussed at him and then he suddenly for no reason got in her face and raised his fist as though he was about to punch her. A grown man about to punch a sixteen year old female. The thing about me is I'm super protective over the people I care about and will do anything for them, I am also a strong believer that as a male you should NEVER put your hands on a female no matter what. You can block a females hit, you can restrain a female or you can run away. So naturally this made me beyond pissed off so I got up and got between them and told him to back the fuck off from her cause he wasn't about to punch her.
So he looked up at my crisis team and said word for word, "Ya'll better get these kids before I put my hands and them and beat the shit outta them."
So I took a couple steps back and pulled out a piece of glass I had in my bra for self-harming purposes. And I held it up showed him put it down looked him dead in the eyes and said in a very calm voice,"If you put a hand on me or my friend in order to harm us I will slit your throat."
So he walked out of the room and called the cops on me. The thing is I went to the extreme because A. staff there have been known to put there hands on us clients and B. I have truama of being physically and sexually abused by men.
So the cops came and arrested me and took me to adult jail even though I am still a minor. I wasn't scared I have been to juvie five times in my life the first time when I was eight so I knew exactly what to expect.
The thing is I got arrested becuase he lied on me. He never told the cops that he was about to punch a sixteen year old female, or that he threatened both of us first. He told them that had the other staff not held me back I would have done it because I was waving the glass an inch away from his throat which was all total bullshit. He told them that while he was on the phone with the police I was following him around trying to slit his throat. My lawyer watched the cameras and that proved that he completly lied to the police. The police were extremley disrespectful calling me a mental-ass physco and when me and my friend tried to tell them the truth they told us to shut the fuck up. I was in jail for about 2 and a half weeks before I got released. I have court on the 28th of this month. My lawyer says I shouldn't worry becuase there is nothing I can be charged with besides threatening him, but if that happens she said she will help me and my friend press charges on him for threatening us first.
When I got out of jail, I went to this place called the teen healing center becuase I had no where else to go. While there I ran away. I was somewhere in Squirrel hill and it was like 10 at night in the middle of winter and I noticed a car following me and I tried to lose it but I could't go inside anywhere everywhere was closed. This car followed me around for about three hours when all of a sudden it pulled up right in front of me and a man in a tan ski mask jumped out. I tried to run but he grabbed me and put a cloth over my face which caused me to pass out.
I don't know how long I was passed out for, all I know is I woke up sometime later in a dark room, I was tied up and gagged. The man in the ski mask was on top of me and raping me. It went on for what seemed like hours. Tears were running down my face and I could hardly breathe and I was having panic attacks and flashbacks of this happening when I was 5, 8, 10, 12, 13, and 15. I'm so sick of being raped.
After a while of this, he finally got off of me and left the room, a couple of minutes later he came in with another man, this one in a black ski mask, who took over raping me. Then when they were done they starting beating me with a belt. Then when it felt like I was going to pass out from the pain, they put the cloth back over my face and I passed out once again. When I woke up it was afternoon the next day and I was in a random ally with no idea where the hell I was. I walked around untill I flagged down a cop. I didn't tell what had happened, I don't trust cops, I simply told him I had run away and that I wanted to go back. I gave him the adress and he took me back to the Teen Healing center.
My anxiety has been sky high since then. I've been terrified of everyone. I haven't talked much since then and when I do it's only to cuss someone out or to tell someone that I want to kill myself. I kept the secret to myself for the longest time. I've had nightmares everynight, and I'm scared to even close my eyes, becuase whenever I do it comes racing back to my mind.
The worst part is I haven't had my period since then, I have been getting sick every morning even when I don't eat. And so much more. It's reminding me of when I was pregnant at age 12, from something that happened that will be in another story. I am back at a mental hospital because my agreesion has been getting really bad again. And I've been cutting really bad and I tried to kill myself multiple times. I finally told a staff here, and they child lined it. They tested me for pregnancy and STD's because if they did this to me, who know's how many people they have done this to.
I don't know the results yet, but I'm really scared. Everything is terrifying to me now. I don't even want to be alive anymore. I told my mom a little bit about it. I don't know why. I told her when it happened when I was eight and who had done it seeing as to one of the two was my neighbor. She just told me to stay away from them then, and when I told her about it this time all she said was that I hopefully I learned to not go on the run anymore.
Author Notes: Please nobody comment anything negative. If you have any advice on how to cope please tell me, I have no idea what to do anymore. All I want is to die. I"m so sick of being alive.