Director: So, Satan? Lucifer? Prince of Darkness? What should I call you?
*Camera focuses on Satan*
Satan: Oh, Satan is fine. *laughs* was never a fan of those pet names your movies gave me.
Director: Hmm, so tell me, why do you want to make this movie?
Satan: Well, I feel that the darkness of my palace has diminished over the years. I simply wanna show all you earthlings that you should still fear me.
Director: Mhm, and why did you choose me?
Satan: Actually, Roman Polanski suggested you to me. Lovely fellow.
Director: Ah, yes. Roman.
Director: Now, Satan forgive me but you do seem like quite a nice guy at the moment.
Satan: Well, yes behind closed doors. When my demons or my tortured souls of the damned are near me, I'm an evil son of a bitch but away from all the blackness of Hell, I'm a relaxed demonic figure.
Director: Yeah. So when do you wanna start filming? Is this basically gonna be a 'you walk and talk and I film' kinda deal?
Satan: That's what I had in mind. I plan to show some of the worst souls I have down here and then once it's completed, I want you and your team to edit it all fancy and macabre so you humans can once again kneel before me in terror once you reach the afterlife.
Director: How long do you want it?
Satan: Not long, depends how hyper my people are.
Director: Would people really be the correct terminology?
Satan: Okay, demons, ghouls, souls, the damned, whatever.
*Camera focuses on Satan standing in a black pit*
Satan: Well, hello kiddies. You may recognize me. My name is Satan and I am what you will be terrified and horrified of in your afterlife. Your nightmares will.....oh for god's sake, will you stop doing that to the corpses Bundy. Bundy? Bundy?! They're dead; you can't do that to dead people.
Ted: Come on; let me take one to my room.
Satan: No, get out of here. I'll interview you later.
Ted: Aww, please!
*Satan slaps Ted*
Satan: No! Now get outta here or do you want me to fetch Barney?
*Ted runs off*
Satan: Now where was I? Oh yes. *Clears throat* your very nightmares will become reality when...*sighs* Can we cut? This ain't working out now. Bundy ruined it.
*Shot of a black lake full of shadows*
Satan: Here we are at the first pit stop on our tour. This is what is known as 'The Lake of the Damned'. Any soul who accomplishes nothing in their existence will end up here for all eternity. *Points to far corner* If you look closely, you will see gaps in the lake. I'm saving them for Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller. Those guys don't know when to stop. Anyway, I'm getting off track. Imagine it. Stuck in this lake of darkness for the rest of time. Or until I get bored and send you to the Mormons just for the hell of it. Pardon the pun.
*Zoom in to a skull filled with candy floss*
Satan: *nervous laughter* my apologies. That's Gein's mess. He has a thing for skulls.
*German phrase repeated*
Satan: Oh please no, I thought I locked him up.....Hitler? Hitler?! What are you doing out?.......Look, I am trying to make a film here and you're ruining it.
*Focus onto a conversation between Satan and Hitler, who is holding a teddy bear*
Satan: Now, look, Adolf. You can't keep doing this. I'll read to you when I'm done here.
*Hitler screams excitedly and walks away skipping*
Satan: Our next stop on this gruesome tour is....*trips up*..ow!
*shot of small wooden blocks on top of demonic corpse*
Satan: *laughs* My apologies. That's Bin Laden. He loves playing Jenga.
Intercom: Satan to Entrance! Satan to Entrance! New arrivals!
Satan: Oh come this way.
*Screams of millions*
Satan: Now, hello newcomers. You may recognize me. My name is Satan and I will be your ruler for the next gazillion years. If anyone has any problems, I'll be happy to send them to the Mormons place which is so much worse than here.
Satan: Now now, that won't do any good. Look at where you are.
*A huge grey black figure digs its claws into the praying humans and then eats them*
Satan: Ahh, Lilili the Grey has got a sweet tooth for the Christians.
Satan: One of our final stops is 'The Room of Corpses'. For some of our residents, its torture to be in there but as you can imagine for some, its heaven.
*Cut to Jeffrey Dahmer jumping on a huge pile of bodies*
Satan: Dahmer! Get down from there before you hurt yourself!
Dahmer: *laughs and jumps down* I miss the chocolate factory.
Satan: Yes I know you do but you got fired from there remember. You remember the butchers?
Dahmer: The butchers?
Satan: Oh yeah, you never went there because you were too busy cutting up your own meat and putting it in your fridge, weren't you?!
Dahmer: I miss that fridge.
Satan: Oh fudge. Just get out of here, will you.
Satan: Well humans, that was my Tour of Terr......oh who am I kidding? You want a place to stay in the afterlife? Then come on down to Hell! Rent is low and you get as much fried chicken as you want. Free room service. As much entertainment as your twisted mind could think off. Zombie strippers? We got it. Low budget horror movies? We got it. And so much more. *Satan walks away.*
Hell. It ain't half as bad as you think.