There are many things in life that can't be described or explained by worldly things. How can a parent chose their own selfish temptations over their child? How can God allow one of His children to be possessed wiith daily seizures that threaten his life? How can He let someone feel so desperately alone if He loves them so much?
These were the unspoken questions that provided a barrier between me and my God. Whether I realized it or not, it was my wall. When it comes to childhood trauma I am no stranger. Whether it be suicide, abandonment, drug and alcohol abuse, mental and physical disabilities, teenage pregnancy, parent imprisonment, emotional abuse- my family just about covers it all. Born into a bloodline infected so deeply with the fear of connection, it only makes sense that I, too, would push connection as far away from me as I could.
And it doesn't look like what you may think.
I didn't push everyone away in the aspect movies make it seem. No one knew what went on in my life, let alone my head, and definitely not my heart. But i didn't isolate myself on the outside, nor would I let any one look at me with pity. I was well known in high school- I had many friends, I was in so many different clubs, was a part of drumline, was a Supervisor at my job, and even had a relatively healthy 3 year relationship while still maintaing an almost perfect GPA. In movies, those kinds of people are the people I hate. They have it all together, how do they make it seem so easy? The dark things I didn't let others see are the things that held power over me. They allowed the voices of shame and guilt to whisper into my ear, and they held me back from everything good God meant for me.
The art of self deflecting is dangerous and will swallow you whole if you don't grab a hold of it.
As human beings, we desire connection. When someone smiles at us, we want to smile back. When someone remembers something small about us we said in passing and brings it up, we feel like they care. When someone makes time out of their day to see us, we feel good. When these things don't happen often, we can find ourselves indulging in distracting activities to avoid the neglect of connection we feel, and possibly even build a false connection.
Everyone has their own story. Everyone goes through their own experiences and their own ways to cope, and if that's what help you stay alive, that is incredible. We, as human beings, go through serious shit. The fact we are alive is so much more precious than we realize. So yes, stay alive. Get through what you need to get through. But do not ignore or disassociate the things that have happened in your childhood, or you WILL become them. And I know that's not what any of us want. I know it's hard and it hurts so bad. Things you shoved away from ten years ago will bubble up and you will cry about them again, and that's okay, because it's proof of healing. You need to greive your past, sooner rather than later, or your past will consume you. We must be careful with what we let ourselves get away with.
Although that's really hard to do, you don't have to do it alone. There is someone that loves you so desperately. Someone who would move mountains for you without you realizing. Someone that is fighting for you and waiting for you and believes in you every single day. Every fire you're in, He's in there too. He is love. He is everything that we are meant to have, He wants that connection for us so badly. And He is waiting for you. Not with contempt. Not with anger. WIth love. Let Him take everything the enemy meant for evil and turn it for good. Lay down your shame, your burdens, your heavy heart, your sore back, your worries, your fears, and He will use every single mistake and traumatic event to bless you. Open your heart, soften your heart to His love, and trust in His plan. I know it's hard. But when you feel that bliss of peace, you'll never want to let it go. He loves you more than anything in this entire universe, anything to ever and that will ever exist, His love conquers.
Author Notes: I HIGHLY recommend checking out Passion, I attended Passion 2020, if you want some place to start searching- much love to all