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The Broken Man

The Broken Man

JamesD147JamesD147
3 Reviews

Here, dark was the only light. Nothing but emptiness, all hope had long disappeared. They told me it couldn't rain forever, but clearly, they was wrong. How am I supposed to take another breath without you? It's been a year and I'm so alone. It's always so dark wherever I am and the rain just doesn't stop anymore. Every step is a battle, every breath is a lung full I wish I would miss. The plates... They don't get washed anymore. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I don't live. The photos represent a boy, the mirror, it only shows a shell. It shows eyes are like seashells; just empty hollows to represent what once was.

I'm not alive. Perhaps I once was, but not anymore. When you left so did I. Everything's so dull... So empty. When did the house get so big? The hallways are like roads, the rooms are a maze, the stairs became a mountain. Piles of letters block the front door, I dare to open any? What if they're not for me? What if they're eviction warnings? If I don't check I won't know. It would be pointless to leave, people wouldn't see me, no one has knocked for months, even the dog left me. I wish I could look for him but you know I can't leave. I know you would be ashamed of me, I'm trying, I swear I'm trying! Why did you leave me? You could have stayed! You should have stayed! I need you... I can't be without you anymore...

I've thought about it so many times but never been able to. It's in the closet waiting for me, all I have to do is go in... It won't take long. They keep telling me to do it, they follow me around the house, why won't they leave me alone? I just want to be alone. I want to be with you. Would you be annoyed at me? If I left here to be with you? I guess we'll find out tonight. For this is the last time I'll be alone, this is the last time I'll struggle. I stared at the photos, wiping the dust from their shattered frames. As I kissed your lips one final time I was brought back to that day, the last time I felt someone else's love. I realised it was time for me to let go.

The last feeling of intimacy was that of the rope as it hugged my neck. It seemed in these final moments the rain outside began to stop. This was my final calling, my last goodbye.

Author Notes: I'm grateful for any reviews or criticism. Thanks for reading!

Recommend Reviews (3) Write a Review Report
About The Author
JamesD147
JamesD147
About This Story
Audience:
15+
Posted:
25 Sep, 2016
Genre:
Romance, Thriller, Tragedy
Type:
Sad, Scary, Serious
Words:
437
Favorites:
3
Views:
1,998

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The Broken Man Reviews

3 reviews have given an average rating of 3.3 out of 5 Stars
Kaleighishappy
Kat gave a rating of 4

I honestly don't think it's an overused subject.... but, whatever. Really, it's about what 20% of early deaths are coming from these days.
I loved the descriptive language and think that this was one of your best. Thanks!!

15 Feb, 2017 0
Underwood1090
Underwood1090 gave a rating of 3

I'm going to semi agree but also disagree with the other commenter. Most stories have already been told in some form or fashion, so it's hard to create original material. Most of the time we are just telling our on version of a similar story. Not that we necessarily base our stories off of it, but every story has a close cousin. As a writer, you need to make sure you use correct English, syntax, subject verb agreement, etc. I find some of your writing distracting due to errors. Your character had a little voice, which is great! I find it by him addressing the pile of mail and such, which works well. It seems like he is describing it and not you writing about it, so good job! I know as a writer, it is hard to post your work, but I like constructive criticism, so I give it. Keep writing, good luck!

1 Oct, 2016 0
JamesD147
JamesD147 - 3 Oct, 2016
Thank you. Will try again with possibly something different. Was wondering what errors did you come across?
apemann
Apemann gave a rating of 3

Yet another tiresome ten suicide story, albeit told in slightly different manner.

As such, though, it's not a bad story. There are faults with it, but nothing too serious. I only wish you had turned your skills to a more entertaining and original theme than this boring and overdone one!

One last thought: do YOU really believe that this story is suitable for kids as young as twelve years old? I suggest that you change the age category to at least 15+

1 Oct, 2016 0
JamesD147
JamesD147 - 3 Oct, 2016
Changed it. Thanks for the feedback, will take it and try again.

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