United States • 22 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Ah, I like the valiant knight coming in. Sounds like a real badass to me.
If you have characterized the "poisonous" voices as wild beastly creatures, or pillagers- something of foul nature in time with knights and chivalry, I'd think that fit in very well, especially since the breaking point saying "SHUT UP" seemed to be like a damsel-in-distress moment. But considering that it's a poem of thoughts in a general sense, it still works fine.
I know I've been talking a lot about 8th-16th century time-style and I'm sorry for that. I just got up in that thought process after seeing the valiant knight.
Wow, the housing market must have taken a hefty hit being the property cost only $24.45 (unless this takes place back about four centuries ago, which means that the price of wheat was sky-high for it's time).
This seems too loose and has many holes. There wasn't a tie-in for the change of pace as to how the mother got the job or why the father was gone. There's a beginning, middle and end, but how does it fit? How did all of it become what it did?
Usually I'm into your structure and rhyme scheme, but this... I'm just not getting the Matt Decker vibe unlike in such writings of Jungle In The Gym or I Am ELIAN.
This seems pretty cut and dry whereas the ones I believe are your best are the elaborate, word/phrase-shifting, abstract concepts.
Like the concept. Old-time feel of a good cliche. It's like Little House on The Prairie style.
Overall, great. With the sequencing of events and how you described them, they seem cut-off. Instead of a steady consistent flow, it is stop-and-go in some areas. Not to much, but recognizable, at least in my opinion.
Yo, I love the movie Ghost. Finely written.
Appreciate the overall awareness put forth of seeing both sides of the good and bad.
This is a reality people live with and I and others wish no one had to deal with this sort of situation let alone harm in general, but when it comes to these situations I wish and hope that victims of this put there foot down before it happens by being straight forward and become lions at the moment of saying "no" and fighting back.
Somewhat in relation, this is another reason why I advocate for concealed carry. So situations like this can be deterred before it happens. If truth can't make someone stop, I'm sure branding a weapon, like a gun, would quickly resolve the problem so it doesn't become worse. And if that doesn't work, well looks like the trigger has to be pulled then. Sounds harsh and haste, but if it's gotta be stopped, it's gotta be stopped and put to an end.
Also, the after events of a serious topic like this has damaging results. I never have been physically assaulted or sexually assaulted, but I don't like hugs, holding hands or even a pat on the back. My body and mind just can't handle that especially if it's someone new to me. I make it clear to them, not in a mean way, but obvious, that if they touch me or "trap" me (like a corner of a room), if you will, whether in good intentions or not I will push and fight back. I don't mess with that shit. Do that to other people who can tolerate it or understand your purpose, just don't do it to me.
Sorry if this got deep and personal, but these situations just eats at me and I get easily irritated and frustrated by it, but most of all, sorry that this has happened to you and I hope life is still and turns in a good direction for you.
It worked well. It worked so well that I could only help to think that for the last sentence, I wish it was broken up. Thinking that to make it stand out stronger the last sentence would be,
"So she sits in silence, in tears.
Silently screams."
I believe having that action be by itself would enunciate the message from being heard and recognized to being just something that only one's self knows.
This is pretty gnarly.
I noticed that it's only two sentences, but that's what made it perfect because I thought of it as a narration that someone is saying so you don't listen for breaks in a sentence, but the overall idea of how it flows together.
Respect.