United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
This was a good idea that you did not really explore to its full potential. As good as this story is as it stands, with a little more thought and consideration it could have been so much better. Fleshing-out your characters and the drama of what had happened to them to bring them to the situation you describe would give your little tale more impact.
I hope you will write more stories for us to read in future :-)
The thing that struck me most about this piece was the number of times you mention 'Deviancy RT' (seven). There are other ways of saying the same thing without actually saying EXACTLY the same thing.
Overall, though, the story was far too condensed and maybe a little too rushed to really work as well as you probably hoped. It needs much fleshing-out and reconsidering if you plan to add to it at a later stage.
There is an underlying bitterness in your words that suggests that your 'best friend' is perhaps not the sort of friend you want..?
Although not strictly a story (a work of fiction) this was a well-presented piece. I hope you'll send us more of your work very soon.
You won't thank me for saying so, but, really, it is not the end of the world at your age. It only feels like it :-) Every single person who reads your poem will have gone through - or will go through - what you are feeling. It's a painful but necessary part of growing up and learning about life.
I echo what Entangled Fate advised you: enjoy being young; go out and have fun. There is time enough to fall in love and endure all that that brings!
A nice poem with your feeling expressed well.
There is a great deal of emotion and passion in your poem. You have expressed them well. Some of the lines are perhaps a little convoluted and 'forced', but the whole is better then some of its parts :-) I hope to read more from you soon!
This was an interesting story - until the unnecessary last line. For me, it completely killed the tension and drama of what had gone previously, which is a real shame. On the whole, though, an engaging submission.
Sometimes a hug is just about all you need to set your world to rights. I relate to your poem strongly - as will many others I'm sure :-)
Simple, effective and well presented. Good stuff!