You have the most wonderful imagination and the writing skills to translate it into fabulous stories that entertain both kids and adults alike (think AA Milne, CS Lewis, JK Rowling). That's a rare talent and one you should be very proud of. I suspect that you could go on to be a successful author given the right breaks and a little good fortune...
In the meantime, SS101 is lucky to have you. Glad to have you here with us :-)
I really nice idea for a story. As others have commented, take more care with your spelling and grammar: "I seen his smile forming..." for instance. USE your computer's spell-check and thesaurus facilities. that's what they are there for.
Nice work overall, though. Well done :-)
This is a much better and nicer story to read than some of your other work due to the minimal use of 'fancy' language. It has a nice flow and fairly good drama, too. I'm not so sure all the stuff with her mother serves any purpose in the story: it feels unnecessary and out-of-place somehow. You could have got to where you are in the story without it...
Hopefully you have ideas to develop this story? It would be interesting to see where you take it. There is certainly plenty of scope to take it in many different directions.
One small note of caution: please keep your story description to a minimum. You tend to tell too much before folks get to read the story.
Oh, and Kat is the LAST person to be giving advice about grammar, spelling etc. Just check her comment: TWO spelling mistakes ('discription' for 'description' and 'Micheals' for 'Michael's') and a grammar error ("But one reminded" instead of 'reminder')! How's THAT for embarrassing oneself??
You are doing no worse and considerably better than some others...
Dark, pointed and utterly superb. I wonder if you had in mind the same person I once wrote a poem about..? If so, it would appear she has not changed one iota :-)
Great work, Rebs. You should write more poetry. You are good at it :-)
To be honest my first impression after reading this poem is that it is 'self-pitying': someone begging forgiveness for committing suicide. It left me feeling a little put-out by it as it just doesn't feel right.
It's not a bad poem, just the subject matter that doesn't work for me.
I find your work far too graphic and somewhat self-indulgent in its depictions of violence and bloodshed. It's actually rather annoying as you are a better story-teller than the stuff you submit. By that I mean that you tell good stories but (for me) overdo things by going for overkill rather than subtlety in your narrative and descriptions. You have the skills and talent to achieve much the same effect without the OTT descriptive passages. Honestly, they do not do you justice...
I would like to see you submit something that is less bloody and more interesting - and entertaining - to read. Blood, gore and the like have a limited shelf-life.
The most important part of surviving bullying is to remember that you MATTER. You are IMPORTANT, you have VALUE and there are people who LOVE you. The person who must love you most is YOU.
NEVER let the bullies make you feel anything less than the wonderful, unique, special and individually terrific person you are. It is THEY who have the problems, not you. They hurt you because they are too shallow and ignorant to recognise their flaws. Your poem demonstrates that you have a greater level of maturity and self-awareness and understanding than your tormentors. Take that knowledge with you each and every time they try to upset you for you are a far, far better person than any of them are!
There are some really good parts to this story: atmosphere-building and scene-setting for sure. Where is really falls flat for me is the actual 'horror' scenes. They are told in such a flat and bland tone that they fail to resonate emotionally or viscerally.
Horror is one of the most difficult genres to write successfully and/or effectively. Much really good horror writing is not really very graphic: it's mostly about suggestion, subtle hints and manipulating the readers' imagination. Steven King is the master at it, and he is rarely as graphic in his writing as you have been in your story.
It IS a good story, definitely. My review is just an opinion. Others will disagree and rave about it. :-)