United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Another tiresome 'teen death' story that has been told a thousand times before on this site alone. Okay, this one is slightly above the average, but it doesn't detract from that fact that it is another entry in an over-subscribed genre.
What is so frustrating is that you are better than this. Your talents could - and should - be turned towards writing more interesting and entertaining stories than this sort of thing. Allow your mind to expand and believe in yourself and you will be a very good writer. This nonsense brings you no credit and does not do your talents justice.
Another slap-dash effort full of spelling mistakes.
Oh dear, this could have been SO much better.
What you have presented is a 500-word outline of a much longer story. You have tried to cram a long story into a short one and, unfortunately, it just hasn't worked. There is no plot to speak of, no characterisation and no action of any description. It reads like an idea for a story that you've rushed to jot down before you forgot it. It certainly does not read like something you have put a great deal of thought or effort into...
You say that this is something of a departure from what you'd normally write. I would be most interested in reading your 'normal' output :-)
Trying to cram such a large subject into so few words leaves glaring gaps in your narrative. What we are left with is a hors d'oeuvre instead of a banquet.
Allowing for the fact that English is not your first language, some of the phraseology is stilted and clumsy. Try to write in a more natural voice rather than one that does not sit well with you. You will find it much easier - and you'll ,learn a lot more, too :-)
Do keep writing.
A little confused - and confusing - as you seem to be trying to incorporate too many ideas and themes into one poem. I get the gist of the poem, but the result is unsatisfying.
On the plus side; there is a spark of a storyteller in you that, with care and nurturing, could become a good one :-)
As previously mentioned, your stories tend to be a little aimless in the way they are written. They lack proper structure and direction, leaving THIS reader somewhat confused as to the purpose of the story.
I get the impression that you don't always have a clear idea of what it is you are trying to convey in your writing. Much of what you present comes across as a series of events rather than a free-flowing tale. It does not make for an enjoyable or satisfying experience as a reader, unfortunately...
Simple, bittersweet and touching. Well done :-)
Due to your wordy 'brief description' I knew what was coming before I reached the end of your story. The idea of that section is to HINT at what the story is about , not to tell almost the whole story.
The story itself is okay. It feels like you tried to tell a complex story in too few words, which makes it feel a tad rushed. However, a reasonable effort on the whole :-)