Andy (Formerly Apemann)

This is getting better :-) It's not perfect, but it IS a big improvement on previous submissions.

Take care with your punctuation: Burger King should be capitalised, for instance. Also, you are using too many commas where a full-stop (or even a colon) might be more appropriate.

These are minor issues, however. The story is coming along well - although I still believe you can afford to submit longer parts...

There is the basis here for a good story. Unfortunately you have not really told it very well. The scenes are clichéd and the dialogue stilted. There is little natural 'flow' to the story. You move from one idea or scenario with little in the way of explanation, which gives the story a somewhat 'clunky' feel.

You have also failed to follow the submission guidelines; the use of numerals in prose is very bad practice, yet there are numerous examples in your story. Number references should always be written in full: twelve years old, three-thirty, nine-one-one, for example.

Take time to check your spelling: "she manages not to hit another care..." would not be picked-up by your spell checker.

There is much to recommend in your story; at the same time it has many flaws. You write well but need to practice your art more - and to read more to get a better feel of how a story flows.

There is a certain pleasing quality about your story-telling prowess, which is quasi-Victorian in style. Unfortunately your erratic punctuation and mind-boggling looseness with the principal character's name undermines much of what you are trying to achieve. Coupled with the rather overwhelming length of the opening couple of paragraphs of your story and your reader is left with a scary challenge to continue with your story. Personally, after the first couple of paragraphs I lost interest somewhat.

You need to introduce your main character by his FULL name from the off. It is disconcerting as a reader to initially meet "Mister Gray" and a few sentences later be confronted with "Peter Gray". This is clumsy writing and needs to be redressed.

Some of your punctuation is baffling. Inserting colons, semi-colons and commas in what appears to be random places throws-out the flow of the piece, making it much harder as a reader to really engage with the story of the characters. The somewhat 'stop-start' feel of your writing is uncomfortable to read in places. If you read your own work out loud you will gain a greater insight into how it actually reads. It's a useful technique to employ when trying to learn whether what you've written actually makes sense.

Edit you story into shorter paragraphs. Shorter 'bite-size' paragraphs are more easily digested and absorbed than long rambling ones. In addition any dialogue should preferably be written separately to the body of the paragraph.

You have talent, that much is clear. You also have some bad habits that with advice and guidance you can easily overcome. Keep writing!

An interesting story marred by clumsy punctuation and spelling errors, which suggest that you did not take the time to read through your work before submitting it. It would also appear that you did not thoroughly read the submission guidelines as there are presentation issues too...

Your story-telling is good, but at times a little rushed which leaves gaps in your plot and narrative. Overall, though, not a bad beginning. Take more care with future chapters and you'll produce an engaging, entertaining story.

This is a hard one to review. On the one hand your writing is eloquent and engaging. On the other, though, I am left questioning the actual POINT of your story?

Your story doesn't appear to have any point or purpose, which is what has left me somewhat baffled. To write something for the sake of it is a waste of time (and talent!), which is what it feels like you have done here.

I look forward to reading more from you, and hopefully understanding it, too :-)

I really do not know what to make of this. It is both interesting and confusing; confounding, even! I cannot say that I enjoyed it, as I found it to be somewhat preachy in tone. I do, though, appreciate the work and effort that has gone into producing the piece, for which you deserve praise.

What comes across clearly is that English is not your first language. Even so, you are to be congratulated on managing to correctly write dialogue, which so many native English speakers regularly fail to do...

You've written an interesting, but somewhat rushed, story, which leaves it with a rather unfinished feel. There are gaps in your narrative that needs filling-out and explaining more thoroughly. However, as a first attempt, this is still a fair one. :-)

There is potential here for a really interesting and engaging story. However, by rushing through it in the manner you have so far, you are in danger of ruining what you are trying to achieve.

Take more time to fully explore you characters, to develop your plot and storyline and to write it so that it doesn't read like you could not wait to get down all the words before you forgot them. As an outline story, this works very well, but it needs work to develop it into the fleshed-out and fully rounded tale it deserves to be.