Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Some of your couplets are a little 'forced', but overall this is an interesting poem.

Hi. Nice to read something new from you :-)

Having read some of your more recent works I can see the improvement in your writing style. Your inexperience when you wrote this shows through with the repetition of words and phrases, especially at the beginning. On the whole, though, it's another of your engaging and action-filled adventure/fantasy stories that keeps one reading right to the end. Good stuff!

This is all rather esoteric for my taste. Of its kind, it is not a bad poem. I hope to read more from you that is perhaps grounded in real life rather than fantasy perhaps?

A little confused - and confusing - as you seem to be trying to incorporate too many ideas and themes into one poem. I get the gist of the poem, but the result is unsatisfying.

On the plus side; there is a spark of a storyteller in you that, with care and nurturing, could become a good one :-)

I'm really not sure what to make of your poem. Some of your imagery is quite clever and descriptive... but I wonder if it's appropriate in the context you intend it?

I can see that there is a budding poet here; I hope to read more of your work soon :-)

Due to your wordy 'brief description' I knew what was coming before I reached the end of your story. The idea of that section is to HINT at what the story is about , not to tell almost the whole story.

The story itself is okay. It feels like you tried to tell a complex story in too few words, which makes it feel a tad rushed. However, a reasonable effort on the whole :-)

What began as an interesting idea did not really fulfil its potential. Your style of writing in places is very stilted and awkward; old-fashioned, even. At times it reads almost as jokey; facetious even, which robs your words of the impact they were meant to convey. The overall feeling I get from your story is a level of uncertainty as to which direction you meant it to take: a serious dramatic story or one that is a little light-hearted. This story is a little of both at times.

All that being said, there is a good story-teller in you. I hope to read more from you.

One note of caution: it is NOT good practice to use numerals in prose. One should always write numbers in full.

Trying to cram such a large subject into so few words leaves glaring gaps in your narrative. What we are left with is a hors d'oeuvre instead of a banquet.

Allowing for the fact that English is not your first language, some of the phraseology is stilted and clumsy. Try to write in a more natural voice rather than one that does not sit well with you. You will find it much easier - and you'll ,learn a lot more, too :-)

Do keep writing.