Andy (Formerly Apemann)

I am a fan of experimental works, but when it is so 'out there' as to be meaningless it undermines whatever you are attempting to achieve. There is little in your poem that allows readers to engage with your words, which is a pity. Poetry should invoke some sort of reaction other than leaving people wondering what the heck they have just read :-0

You are better than this effort. Not your finest hour, in my opinion :-)

I am a fan of your work on the whole, but this one had me scratching my head. Not one of your better ones...

You have written better poems than this one. This just does not work for me.

"The way your smile can protrude any boulder."

Up to this line your poem was quite entertaining and interesting. This line, though, kills it completely. It's meaningless and silly...

An 'unwritten rule' of writing, especially poetry, is that if you have to 'force' the line to come, it probably isn't going to work. This appears to be the case here. However, the rest of the poem works well, which saves it from being a disaster :-)

Your somewhat over-the-top and melodramatic delivery rather undermines the message you are trying to impart. Toned down a little this could be an impressive poem, but for me - as it stands - it is far too much...

This one does not work very well at all. It reads like you ran out of ideas and simply repeated it to give it length and content.

There are good things about it: some of the lines are beautifully composed. However, in the form in which it is presented it lacks that 'something' to make it stand out.

Before continuing with your story you really need to iron-out the errors in this part first.

It is peppered with grammar and punctuation mistakes, which is inexcusable. Your computer has a spell-check and thesaurus facility. If you used them your story would not be presented so poorly.

I have to ask myself 'if this person isn't bothered about presenting the best story he/she can, why should I bother to read it?' That is a thought worth bearing in mind...

Please re-read the sites Submission Guidelines again and edit your story accordingly. As is stands this submission falls a long way short of the guidelines...