Andy (Formerly Apemann)

I like this. The simplicity of your words gives them greater weight. Rather than burdening your reader with a plethora of emotive phrases you have expressed yourself beautifully. There are a few who could learn a thing or two from your approach to writing...

Well done!

This was surprisingly dark and deep. An excellent effort from a very active imagination. I look forward to reading more of your work :-)

Another interesting submission - but take care. It is not good practice to use numerals in prose: numbers should be written in full. Similarly, abbreviations are also not acceptable. Thus, '75 mph' should be written 'seventy-five miles per hour'. Your computer's spell-check and thesaurus facility will help you to avoid these minor issues in future works.

Spoken like the rebellious soul you truly are. Most play at it or aspire to it: You, m'dear, live the life and I applaud you for it. Love the poem as it is you to a tee :-)

A wonderfully mature and perceptive poem from one so young. Fabulous!

As we discussed, the original opening to your story had merit, but also had some problems. It is nice to see that the edits I suggested have been incorporated into the story. I hope you will take what you have learned into the rest of the story as you write it... :-)

Great story, hon! There are one or two small spelling and grammar errors, but overall - fantastic! xx

I kind-of enjoy your thought processes, which entertain most of the time. At times though, for me, 'less is more' could be the order of the day in some of your work. This particular poem goes on a tad too long for its own good, which is a pity as it is otherwise really good. As I said, my opinion only :-)