Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Some of your couplets are a little 'forced', but overall this is an interesting poem.

The use of numerals in your story really jars when reading it. It's bad practice...

The story was quite engaging, if a tad 'log-winded' in places: the decision to walk home; entering the woods, for instance. I guess you were trying to build suspense but for me, it doesn't really work.

The 'scary' part of the story is told so quickly and with so little reaction from two very young kids (no screams of fear; no panic, for instance?) undermines the whole story and makes it ultimately unbelievable.

What is evident from your writing is the emergence of a budding storyteller :-) Keep writing, keep practicing and take on board the advice offered and I think you'll tell us all some amazing tales in time

It might have helped the story a little if you'd mentioned how the infection began; whether it was an outbreak of a disease or something along those lines. The idea is actually quite good: it needs a little more 'polish' to make it into a very good story.

Nice effort, though. Well done :-)

There is something quite soulless about this piece. I read it through twice and found myself somewhat distanced from it; disengaged, even. I think the problem is the 'coldness' in which it is written (understandably given the subject matter) is perhaps too cold and remote. The style does not invite the reader to engage emotionally with the work.

Your writing is usually very entertaining. For me, this one did not work as well as some of your other stories.

A nice poem spoiled by your poor punctuation. Please take more care: you have some talent as a writer which is being undermined by the sloppiness of your presentation.

This is a good-ish poem. My issue with it is that the overuse of the "If I had known" line somewhat detracts from the overall poem. I think you could have said as much - and as effectively - if you'd presented your poem in two or three stanzas with the hook line at the beginning of each stanza.

I look forward to reading more from you :-)

This piece is good, but slightly spoiled by its 'wordiness'. Some of your sentences are unnecessarily wordy and over-descriptive:

"We stay up late into the night talking, confiding our secrets in each other, showing our burning desires without flinching while looking into the faces of each other's truths and faults"

This feels as though your are trying to impress readers with your vocabulary, but you don't need to. You are good enough story-teller without having to load every sentence with as many words as you can think of. Sometimes the less you write the better it reads...

There are many good things about your story, but it needs some judicious editing to make it more reader-friendly. In its present form it is hard work and filled with a lot of 'waffle' and filler-type information that does little or nothing to enhance or progress the story.

Be careful, also, of over-long paragraphs. Nothing is more disconcerting to your reader than a solid, unbroken block of text to plow through :-) Try and break-up your paragraphs into shorter, 'bite-size' blocks for easier consumption.

Overall a fair effort, but needs work.