Andy (Formerly Apemann)

It might have helped the story a little if you'd mentioned how the infection began; whether it was an outbreak of a disease or something along those lines. The idea is actually quite good: it needs a little more 'polish' to make it into a very good story.

Nice effort, though. Well done :-)

Some of the word choices in your story ("CHASMS in your face" - "FONDLING your coarse hair" - "With FLOCKING tears " - "Approaching QUAKE of footsteps") jarred with me. What should have been a memorably poignant piece of writing was spoilt by clumsy and inappropriate word use. Sometime the simplest phrasing is the most meaningful instead of 'overdramatising' with unnecessary descriptions.

Overall though, I liked the piece. A sensitive subject well handled.

The use of numerals in your story really jars when reading it. It's bad practice...

The story was quite engaging, if a tad 'log-winded' in places: the decision to walk home; entering the woods, for instance. I guess you were trying to build suspense but for me, it doesn't really work.

The 'scary' part of the story is told so quickly and with so little reaction from two very young kids (no screams of fear; no panic, for instance?) undermines the whole story and makes it ultimately unbelievable.

What is evident from your writing is the emergence of a budding storyteller :-) Keep writing, keep practicing and take on board the advice offered and I think you'll tell us all some amazing tales in time

Some of your couplets are a little 'forced', but overall this is an interesting poem.

Hi. Nice to read something new from you :-)

Having read some of your more recent works I can see the improvement in your writing style. Your inexperience when you wrote this shows through with the repetition of words and phrases, especially at the beginning. On the whole, though, it's another of your engaging and action-filled adventure/fantasy stories that keeps one reading right to the end. Good stuff!

This is all rather esoteric for my taste. Of its kind, it is not a bad poem. I hope to read more from you that is perhaps grounded in real life rather than fantasy perhaps?

A little confused - and confusing - as you seem to be trying to incorporate too many ideas and themes into one poem. I get the gist of the poem, but the result is unsatisfying.

On the plus side; there is a spark of a storyteller in you that, with care and nurturing, could become a good one :-)

I'm really not sure what to make of your poem. Some of your imagery is quite clever and descriptive... but I wonder if it's appropriate in the context you intend it?

I can see that there is a budding poet here; I hope to read more of your work soon :-)