Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Due to your wordy 'brief description' I knew what was coming before I reached the end of your story. The idea of that section is to HINT at what the story is about , not to tell almost the whole story.

The story itself is okay. It feels like you tried to tell a complex story in too few words, which makes it feel a tad rushed. However, a reasonable effort on the whole :-)

What began as an interesting idea did not really fulfil its potential. Your style of writing in places is very stilted and awkward; old-fashioned, even. At times it reads almost as jokey; facetious even, which robs your words of the impact they were meant to convey. The overall feeling I get from your story is a level of uncertainty as to which direction you meant it to take: a serious dramatic story or one that is a little light-hearted. This story is a little of both at times.

All that being said, there is a good story-teller in you. I hope to read more from you.

One note of caution: it is NOT good practice to use numerals in prose. One should always write numbers in full.

Trying to cram such a large subject into so few words leaves glaring gaps in your narrative. What we are left with is a hors d'oeuvre instead of a banquet.

Allowing for the fact that English is not your first language, some of the phraseology is stilted and clumsy. Try to write in a more natural voice rather than one that does not sit well with you. You will find it much easier - and you'll ,learn a lot more, too :-)

Do keep writing.

An interesting and well-written opening to your story. Well done. :-)

Take care with your spelling and limit your comments in the 'Brief Description' to just a few words. There is no need to 'over-explain' things...

Good work. I look forward to reading more.

A good, confident beginning for a novice writer. I hope to read more from you :-)

BTW: the BRIEF description of the story section is meant as just that - a few words about the story. There is no need to go into as much detail as you have.

First off, the use of numerals in prose is not good practice, as noted in the Submission Guidelines. Please remember for future submissions...

There are some good points to your story but overall, it's all a bit heavy-handed and somewhat stilted. You would have benefitted from showing your story around to friends and family for comments to iron-out some of the 'awkward' parts.

Overall, though, a fair effort. I look forward to reading future submissions :-)

You have some nice ideas in your writing and a good imagination. This does not, though, always come across as successfully as it should do. The main problem is your use of certain words: like many young and novice writers, you pepper your work with 'big' or 'clever' words to try and make your piece sound more 'intellectual', which frequently has the opposite effect.

Write in your own voice, as you would normally speak. There is no need - or benefit to you - in writing in a style that is not naturally you. Also, take care with your spelling and grammar as this spoils your work. Do not use numerals either (see the Submission Guidelines).

There is a budding storyteller in you. Keep writing, keep practicing and take on-board the advice offered to you. I look forward to reading more from you soon :-)

A good poem which was, for me, spoiled by the use of unnecessary expletives. The use of such words can be a powerful tool when used sparingly. Three times in five sentences is overkill...

Overall, a nice effort.