Andy (Formerly Apemann)

I'm not really sure what it was you were trying to do with this story. It appears to start in one direction then veer off in to another without any sort of sense or reason.

I get the impression that you had an idea for a story, but have not been able to execute it as well as you'd hoped. It's all a little confused. Any story should have the basic structure of beginning, middle and end. This sort-of starts, gets somewhat confused and ends. Overall it is disappointing.

Oh dear. I do wish you had taken the time to CHECK THIS THROUGH before submitting it. It's littered with grammar and spelling errors, which totally undermines it. There is the germ of a half-decent story idea here, but your clumsiness and - sorry to say - laziness has ruined it.

As previously mentioned, your stories tend to be a little aimless in the way they are written. They lack proper structure and direction, leaving THIS reader somewhat confused as to the purpose of the story.

I get the impression that you don't always have a clear idea of what it is you are trying to convey in your writing. Much of what you present comes across as a series of events rather than a free-flowing tale. It does not make for an enjoyable or satisfying experience as a reader, unfortunately...

Okay, it's clear that you have a good vocabulary. What is not so clear is the way you have chosen to exercise it in this confusing puzzle of a poem. The line "To regurgitate hidden lusts of beauty" makes no sense whatsoever! I am all for experimental works, but when it reads like nonsense I have to question the 'why' of it's composition?

Oh dear, this could have been SO much better.

What you have presented is a 500-word outline of a much longer story. You have tried to cram a long story into a short one and, unfortunately, it just hasn't worked. There is no plot to speak of, no characterisation and no action of any description. It reads like an idea for a story that you've rushed to jot down before you forgot it. It certainly does not read like something you have put a great deal of thought or effort into...

You say that this is something of a departure from what you'd normally write. I would be most interested in reading your 'normal' output :-)

Your poetry is somewhat esoteric in style and content. That's fine, to an extent, but if you want your talent to be appreciated your work needs to be accessible to a wider audience. I cannot comment on whether your work is good, bad or indifferent. All I CAN do is comment on MY reaction to and feelings about what I have read.

Whatever message you were trying to get across in this poem completely passed me by. It feels hectoring and 'preachy' and incomplete; rather like you had a partially-formed idea but ran out of steam half-way through.

Another tiresome 'teen death' story that has been told a thousand times before on this site alone. Okay, this one is slightly above the average, but it doesn't detract from that fact that it is another entry in an over-subscribed genre.

What is so frustrating is that you are better than this. Your talents could - and should - be turned towards writing more interesting and entertaining stories than this sort of thing. Allow your mind to expand and believe in yourself and you will be a very good writer. This nonsense brings you no credit and does not do your talents justice.