Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Another piece that was unnecessary to read due to the lengthy 'brief' description of the piece you gave!

'Brief' means in a few words, not a full detailed description of what is to follow. Please try to remember that with future submissions.

As mentioned to you in private, the sheer length of this piece is daunting and will most certainly put-off a lot of people.

There are other issues, too: some of the language is flowery in the extreme, to the point of being almost unintelligible. I understand what you were trying to do, but you need to bear in mind that not everyone will 'go with you' on your literary journey.

The over-use of italics, too, is annoying - and goes against the site's Submission Guidelines. It's annoying and, to my mind, somewhat pretentious. Have you ever read a book where about two-thirds of the text was written in an entirely different font to the rest of the story?

You ARE a good writer, but this effort in its present form is not your finest hour.

To be honest your 'story' is not yet a story at all. There seems to be very little point to the thing. You've managed to say almost nothing in 256 words, so what was the point? There are barely enough words here to truly engage your reader. Short so-called chapters like this are a waste of time. Why not wait until you have a significant amount of work ready to submit instead of messing around like this?

I KNOW this is harsh, but it needs to be. In spite of my criticisms above you DO have a nice writing style. The problem is that you're wasting it on nonsense like this. If you are going to write a story then GIVE us a story, not this sort of fluff. You are better than this effort, I'm sure of it.

BTW: try to not give quite so much info in your intro to your work. You almost tell the whole story, which is not the idea. The key word in that section is BRIEF.

As a 'poem', this just doesn't work.

As a flash-fiction piece it would work perfectly (with a little reworking).

What a pity you spoiled an otherwise engaging story with this out-of-place line:

"Vaishnav! You good for nothing twat! I'm trying to teach an important derivation here!"

Surely your vocabulary could have come up with something less jarring and offensive than the word 'twat'? It's not the word I object to, more its use in this piece. You write so well - almost poetically at times - yet throw in this crudity without rhyme or reason. It does nothing for the story and certainly does not reflect well on you as a writer.

Regrettably it is this I will remember most about your story rather than the more important (and interesting) point you were trying to make.

I applaud the fact that you made the effort to attempt something. So many don't even try, so well done for that.

Your poem is not without flaws, the principle one being the somewhat 'forced' couplets. As a general rule of thumb if you have to force the rhyme then the better course of action would be to not use it at all. Also, there appear to be elements of free verse as well as the more structured rhyming couplets, which just does not work. It is far better to stick to one format or the other to avoid confusion. What you have ended-up with is something that has not really worked very well.

Do not be discouraged! You are on a learning curve; to tell you that you are brilliant and wonderful at this juncture would be to do you a grave disservice. You have much to learn. The best ways to do so are to (a) Read more poetry (you can not read too much!) and to KEEP WRITING. Practice makes perfect: the more you write the better at it you'll become. Good luck :-)

Your poem title conflicts with the actual poem: how can you describe something "indescribable"?

Again, as mentioned before, some of your rhymes are forced: "And his cute little chin/Which is smaller than the head of the pin" is simply ridiculous and negates the whole poem. There are other lines, too, that are equally as dubious...

I admire the fact you try. If you take on board the advice you are given your writing will certainly improve. Keep practicing! :-)