United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
There is a great deal of emotion and passion in your poem. You have expressed them well. Some of the lines are perhaps a little convoluted and 'forced', but the whole is better then some of its parts :-) I hope to read more from you soon!
You won't thank me for saying so, but, really, it is not the end of the world at your age. It only feels like it :-) Every single person who reads your poem will have gone through - or will go through - what you are feeling. It's a painful but necessary part of growing up and learning about life.
I echo what Entangled Fate advised you: enjoy being young; go out and have fun. There is time enough to fall in love and endure all that that brings!
A nice poem with your feeling expressed well.
There is an underlying bitterness in your words that suggests that your 'best friend' is perhaps not the sort of friend you want..?
Although not strictly a story (a work of fiction) this was a well-presented piece. I hope you'll send us more of your work very soon.
The thing that struck me most about this piece was the number of times you mention 'Deviancy RT' (seven). There are other ways of saying the same thing without actually saying EXACTLY the same thing.
Overall, though, the story was far too condensed and maybe a little too rushed to really work as well as you probably hoped. It needs much fleshing-out and reconsidering if you plan to add to it at a later stage.
This was a good idea that you did not really explore to its full potential. As good as this story is as it stands, with a little more thought and consideration it could have been so much better. Fleshing-out your characters and the drama of what had happened to them to bring them to the situation you describe would give your little tale more impact.
I hope you will write more stories for us to read in future :-)
Wonderfully evocative! I love the way you build up the tension and feeling of paranoia in your principal character. This is terrific writing.
My only slight 'criticism' is to question whether your story is suitable for readers as young as twelve? Other than that, superb!
As someone who has been known to pen a haiku or two (!!) I looked forward to reading your poems. I got the feeling that haiku is not something that you are entirely comfortable writing as they all felt a little 'forced' and contrived: little natural flow to your words.
I would, though, like to read more of your work. I look forward to it :-)
An interesting idea that needs considerably more work to make it into a great story. The whole idea was too big to condense into so few words, which gives your story a somewhat rushed and unfinished feel. However, a good effort nonetheless.
I very much look forward to reading more from you in due course.