Reviews Given
I think you have an interesting concept here, but it seems like you just started drafting and didn't try to create a whole narrative. Don't be afraid to continue building on it. Your instinct to withhold information is good, especially in flash story format. But you've withheld too much. We can only guess what is happening in the second part.
Not sure what to make of this ... The theme shows some promise, but I had a hard time getting past the first section because of the author's habitual overuse of modifiers and stilted dialogue. For example: "Never could I have imagined so many children in one place and not hear one giggle or peal of laughter or not see one cheeky grin or shy smile!" For my part, I could never imagine someone actually talking like that. Then in the last part of the story, the attacker's language is a phonetic caricature of a dialect. It draws attention to itself rather than suggests a manner of speaking. I understand that this story is "to be continued," but I'm afraid this isn't an encouraging installment.
Not a bad effort, though the rhyming seems a bit contrived.
I think you mean "hearse," not "hurst."
(You still can edit the poem after it's uploaded.)
I like the concept of this story, and the language is interesting and readable. What's missing is characterization. I don't see any protaganist, so it's kind of hard to get emotionally involved and take the concept seriously. I feel like it's a good start on an idea but it needs "fleshing out" (pun intended) to work as a story.
Thanks for sharing it!
I like some of the imagery and imaginative use of metaphors, like "I'm a forgotten picture frame." Overall, however, it's rather glum and self-pitying, and it seems a bit lazy with phrases like "I'm just so lonely."
I liked this story a lot. You accomplished a lot within the space of 900 words. I would like to read more of your work and see what you can do in other formats.
Neat story!
You could expand upon it ... show us a little more of Timmy's world before he first talks to the bugs, and maybe share a couple of other bug conversations. It's an imaginative story and so why not run with that a bit further?
Thanks for contributing to shortstories101. Well done!
Very well written piece. You have a promising future as a writer. Keep it up!