United Kingdom • 15 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
This is gorgeous <3 I am so impressed, you are just as good as I thought you'd be. Maybe even more, actually. You deserve more recognition for this. It's incredible!
This was very well written! I liked the rhythm of it, and I liked some of the devices you used to convey your message.
My main recommendation would be perhaps going back through and switching up some word order or choice to make the rhythm and meter more smooth and consistent. A couple of examples/suggestions are changing "There once was a murder" for "Once there was a murder", and "Just like most murders" for something like "Just as in most murders" or "Like any other murder".
All in all, great work! I hope that you didn't draw too much from personal experience to write this.
Wow, how intense-
I didn't think it would escalate that quickly!
Maybe separate the paragraphs a bit more. It's harder to read the first few paragraphs because of how mixed up they are. Other than that, you did really well!
you're mean XD
The tragedy of losing someone dear to you. You tied this to a close very well, good job! It's like a half-story-half-poem and I like that. I do have to say that it's kind of hard to keep up with, though. The repetition of "who are you?" made me want to skip every other line. Maybe consider making the other lines a bit longer or taking out some of those "who are you" 's. Or maybe I'm just really lazy, who's to say? Other than that, it was really good!
GOOD LUCK!!!