United Kingdom • 37 y/oReviews Received
Brilliantly evocative! A super haiku!
If the witch encounters an obsticle on the way to the cave it racks up the tension. An evil wizard might be guarded by a monster of some sort. The witch could defend herself with a powerful spell, or maybe make herself invisible until past the danger
Please take this as a constructive critique
I'd have written "there was no escape as the sharks were gaining on him." Please take that as constructive critcism as the basic plot is a good one. Animal lovers will like it.
Very exciting and descriptive; I felt I was there!
This has a good rythem especially at the start.
The opening is good. Perhaps you could spend a little more time building suspense. The man could hear birdsong at the start but then it stops and he wonders why. Alternatively he could think that normally there are sheep where he's walking, but today there are none. He might find a dead sheep but assume a fox or a stray dog of flesh and blood killed it.
I hope this proves helpful.
You wrote a tense buildup as she tried and failed to kill him. I wondered how she was going to get out of it.
'More thoroughly' didn't feel right in that context. 'More forcefully' or 'more severely' would've conveyed Mum's determination better. I hope this proves helpful.
Fine prose that takes the reader along with it, Excelsior!