United Kingdom • 37 y/oReviews Received
If you add some descriptive detail then people will relate to your character more strongly. She will be feeling sand grains on het hands and warm sun on her back. She may worry about the competition, she won't know immediately that she's going to win
The descriptions of the mountain are good. Perhaps you could've had some banter between the characters. It would establish them as individuals we could root for rathet than all of them thinking alike
'They thought it couldn't get any worse but it did" reads bettet than 'it couldn't get any worse but it did.'
You wrote a tense buildup as she tried and failed to kill him. I wondered how she was going to get out of it.
'More thoroughly' didn't feel right in that context. 'More forcefully' or 'more severely' would've conveyed Mum's determination better. I hope this proves helpful.
The opening is good. Perhaps you could spend a little more time building suspense. The man could hear birdsong at the start but then it stops and he wonders why. Alternatively he could think that normally there are sheep where he's walking, but today there are none. He might find a dead sheep but assume a fox or a stray dog of flesh and blood killed it.
I hope this proves helpful.
If the witch encounters an obsticle on the way to the cave it racks up the tension. An evil wizard might be guarded by a monster of some sort. The witch could defend herself with a powerful spell, or maybe make herself invisible until past the danger
Please take this as a constructive critique