United Kingdom • 60 y/oReviews Given
Try writing 'dad was upstairs working on his computer' rather than 'the computer.' If Mom is in the kitchen working on a computer its a different one than Dad is using.
You portray a child's emotions plausibly, and I like the detail about the spiders webs moving. Perhaps you could've had them find out later if someone died prematurely in the house, or if a previous occupant had a scary experience there.
Could you give us more information on your narrator's background? This is one way
The style of the building reminded me of my chilhood home, though our house was smaller and in town. It stirred memories of my melancholy childhood.
If you want him to have a happier childhood he could think how different the hall is from where he grew up. Either way we would learn a little more about him and it would help us to care about him.
The descriptions of the mountain are good. Perhaps you could've had some banter between the characters. It would establish them as individuals we could root for rathet than all of them thinking alike
You could've made more of your narrator's reaction to the death of his uncle. Did he change his attitude to the beach due to that? If so, did he draw on memories of better times and so begin to enjoy it again? Perhaps he realised that nowhere is ever entirely safe and if the sea hadn't taken his uncle then something else might have.
Not 'too' far away rather than 'not to far away.'
'Blood was seeping into the snow' rather than 'blood was fading into the snow.' It would trickle down rather than turn pale.
Had you described the man flailing trying to retrieve his lost knife before striking back, then the action would've flowed better. You're descriptions of the fight are tense and fast moving, but bear in mind what I've written and you're writing will improve.
You're right about the corrosive effects of guilt. There's a little more hope here than in some of your pieces, and that's good.
Its possible to learn from a bad experience and so avoid repeating it. If you meet another worthless boy you'll spot danger signs sooner and, I hope, back off before it gets that bad.
There's a lot of bad advice out there when it comes to relationships. Some people share only the good times and cover up the bad. Others have a vested interest in putting other people down. It doesn't have to be like the relationship you describe but some would like you to think there's no alternative. If you meet someone like your ex again, hold out for someone better. There's plenty of time for him to come along.
You describe the setting very well and your narrator's experiences are convincing. I'd have written "where an elderly couple grazed a mule" or "kept a mule" as they owned it wherever it was. Otherwise, well done.