United Kingdom • 60 y/oReviews Given
Good jokes and good imagery; keep it up.
Sad but beautifully done. You evoke the voice of a small child very well.
You're drawing readers in by describing their sadness but not yet explaining the reason for it. With 'Anyway Back' there should be a lower case 'b' in 'back,' but more practice should fix issues like that.
If we all got upset every time something bad happened in the world, we would loose our sanity. You're not a bad person if you can't tackle every issue. Dealing with the present lockdown is a new experience even for adults. Is it any wonder a lot of people find it hard to handle. Don't break the law, this lockdown won't last forever, it can't or economies all over the world will crumble. Surely no government run by sentinent adults will allow that.
I hope things improve for you soon.
I like your descriptions at the beginning. Its common for authors to change their minds while doing first drafts of stories and good that you're self-critical. Perhaps you could've described the boy's escape in more detail, it would've added excitement, but overall its a good story.
You start out subtle and end it shockingly. This is a very good piece with convincing detail delivered with economy.
'As the would was being nice' should read 'as the world was being nice.'
'I got unconscious' should read 'I fell unconscious.'
Even so, you wrote some good descriptions. I like the line about dancing dolphins. Keep it up and you'll get past mistakes like those above.
This is a plausible scenario and you evoke it with vivid detail.