Canada • 34 y/oReviews Received
I like the ryme and the rytham of this piece. I'm a prose writer rather than a poet but it reads good to me.
True, once again in Starlink
Hope to see more!
I really liked the subtle emotion in this. You write from the heart and it shows. Well done.
it was very good and eye opening
I've been keeping track of this series and the ending of this scene just blew my mind. I can't wait for the next one!
Yes it is a very good story or rather a skeleton of a very good story. Dear author, I try writing short stories too (in Russian). I would like to translate this story to Russian with some modifications perhaps.
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The use of numerals in prose is really not very good practice. It is preferable to spell out numbers (seven years old, the nineteen-sixties, for example) than to use digits.
There are large gaps in your story: you basically gloss over a SEVEN YEAR OLD girl finding a mangled human body - which would have been a terrifying and traumatic experience for anyone, let alone a young child - and move on to having the resort reopened with the girl as an adult. This cannot and does not work!
There is little point in introducing an event in a story if it serves no purpose. You HAVE to have a reason for doing so other than for 'filler', which I suspect this example is. That's fine... if you can get away with it, but to drop in a massive bombshell like the one you have and then totally ignore it is clumsiness unbounded. You need to either remove the reference or explain it. As it stands it mars the story badly.
You need to separate your dialogue from the paragraph., thus:
It wasn’t long before he spotted Kyle on the couch. Before he could comment or get any closer I blurted out nervously.
“Something bad happened.â€
It was like I had confirmed his suspicions. Without a word he lifted the blanket.
“Fuck Jane, I’m so sorry.†He did not react as I expected him to. Instead he hugged me hard.
“I’ll explain everything, but first we need to dispose of his body.â€
He went back to his house and brought back what I assumed was a body bag. Tom placed Kyle’s body in the large bag and zipped it up.
"I’m going to take care of this.†He lifted the body bag. “Go clean yourself up and get some sleep. I’ll check-up on you when I get back.â€
It's much easier to read and easier to follow when you write as above. Take care with punctuation, too (see my edits in the above sample).
As I have said previously, there are good points to your writing, but bad practices are letting you down. A lot more care and attention to detail will help, as will having a clear idea of where you want to take your story. If it doesn't really fit in the story DON'T WRITE IT is a good rule-of-thumb...